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Tantric sex practices offer a variety of sexual styles, from the dynamic fast, often a form of the quickie, to the slow and sensual. Tantra encourages tantric lovers to expand their lovemaking and ask lovers to dialogue with each other and include new ways of lovemaking. The Sydney Australian interviewed Kerry and Diane Riley, founders of the Australian School of Tantra, in Sydney, about tantric sexuality in their issue “In Praise of Slow’ which is a world trend to find more enjoyment and peace in our frantic lives by consciously slowing down everyday tasks like cooking – slow cooking- and of course sex. Slow sex, imagine hours of sensual slow pleasure! Some would say yes!!! Others may think, it may be boring after 10 minutes. However tantra offers lovers many tantric skills and techniques to expand loving pleasure to become one of the richest sexual experience. Outlined below is a tantric practice, Karenza, add it to your tantric skills.
Do you feel in a hurry?
Slow Sex –
‘Keep attentive on the fire at the beginning and so continuing to avoid the embers at the end.’ Osho
Slowing down deepens connection Increases your capacity to love and be loved Focus on your breath, this keeps you in the moment.
More on Slow Sex
Try being together in genital contact where there is no movement for fifteen to twenty minutes. Move only if the erection should slacken. The emphasis is on connecting lovingly; the mood is warm and tender. The trick here is to keep focusing your mind on the pleasure and, to feel this; there is no necessity to move. This method of lovemaking is sometimes called Karenza , which is an Italian word meaning caress. In Karenza, you are making love without an expectation, other than enjoyment, sharing and loving. The pressure for orgasm does not dictate the pace or the outcome of the lovemaking.
Tantric experts Kerry and Diane Riley of the Australian School of Tantra were interviewed for the Australian, in the road test issue. Topical areas in modern city life were selected and of course Tantra sex was included and Diane and Kerry Riley were interviewed.
Tantra is no longer a way out hippie airy fairy pursuit. Tantra is becoming recognised for what insights, skills and techniques it has to offer couples and singles to the broader questions of love and sexuality. It’s not just about multiple or extended orgasm. Tantra includes tantric loving skills of body, heart and soul. The tantric lessons have been distilled by Kerry and Diane Riley in their home tantra study course. It includes a tantra 80 page workbook and 8 tantric lessons on MPS. in this way men, women and couples can read, practice and integrate tantric lovemaking and heart intimacy skills to enrich and enlivens their loving practices.
Tantra for women:
Tantric lovers cultivate emotional intimacy, and this is what most women say they want more of. Tantra has many ways to establish and nurture deeper heart connections The other area of interest is improving and expanding sexual pleasure and of orgasms. Tantric skills and tantric techniques provide a path for a loving journey together.
Tantra for men:
Sexually men face two major difficulties in their lives. Number 1 is coming too soon, leaving their woman frustrated and the man disappointed. Number 2 is not being able to make love when your woman wants to because you can’t get an erection, leaving your woman disappointed and your self image devastated.
Tantra gives you the secrets and practices of how to solve these difficulties and includes:
Tantra sex can produce heat and therefore sweat. Sweat, after all is a natural body fluid and as tantra teaches ‘the body is our temple’ and all that is of the body is sacred! Even sweat!
Tantric sweat is attractive! You can influence the smell of sweat so that it is not a turn off, but a tantric turn on!
How can I do this? Many students ask me, and you may know you are what you eat and this especially applies to your sweat. Eat meat and more meat and processed sugary foods and you get foul sweat. Eat vegetables, grains and lots of fragrant herbs and your tantric sweat will be delicious!’
‘For women there’s nothing like the smell of a man’s sweat. Androstadienone is a male chemical signal found concentrated in men’s sweat. Researchers measured levels of the hormone cortisol in the saliva of females after they took 20 sniffs from a jar of androstadienone. Cortisol is secreted by the body to help maintain proper arousal and sense of well-being, respond to stress and other functions. Cortisol levels in the women who smelled androstadienone shot up within roughly 15 minutes and stayed elevated for up to an hour. Consistent with previous research, the women also reported improved mood, higher sexual arousal, and had increased blood pressure, heart rate and breathing.
For comparison’s sake, women also smelled baking yeast, which did not trigger the same effects. So forget your high priced cologne guys, turn up to your next date with a nice sweat going and just let the rest happen.’
Source: Journal of Neuroscience
Tantric lovers take note ! Tantric lovers will bath together or better still lovingly bath each other to ready themselves for tantric sweaty love. Drink peppermint tea, eat lemongrass and Thai basil in your food for a week or two and notice the difference.
Diane Riley 2008
Copyright 2005. Spectra 2000 P/L
Tantra lessons throughout Australia, sydney/Melbourne/Byron Bay/ Brisbane/Perth Australian School of Tantra 0404 468618
Tantra Sex workshops and lessons include many tantric lovemaking skills.
Tantra connection 1
Eyes wide open
Most people shut their eyes while making love and enter their own space. Of course, it can be really nice. But, to feel more love, it helps to look into your partner’s eyes. Your eyes are the windows to your soul. Look into your partner’s eyes as he gazes into yours — tell each other how much you enjoy and love one another, how precious they are to you. This is the second thing you can do to create more heartfelt feelings while making love; talk to your partner, share your innermost feelings of love.
Men, especially, find it difficult to get the feelings of love during lovemaking because all of their energy gets caught in their genitals. It’s easy for men to feel sensation in their penis: the challenge becomes getting that sensation in their heart as well, so that the heat of their genitals resonates with the warmth in their heart. This is the difference between a good lover and an extraordinary lover.
Tantra sex teacher Kerry wisely advises men in his Sexual Secrets for Men‘it’s not the number of strokes you can do with your lingam but how much love you can send with your ‘wand of light’ that makes the difference.’ You can help your man to learn this skill by practising the things I have suggested in this chapter.
However, as some men find the intimacy exercise extremely confronting, here is a practice that will give him this skill physically without having do the ‘other’ exercises. Most men we have surveyed find this the most enjoyable and easiest to do.
Tantric connection 2
Have him lie down on his back as you sit between his legs. Then, pleasure his lingam (you could use some of the magic strokes already suggested), or give him oral sex until he is fully erect and charged with energy. Have him open his eyes, then put one hand over his lingam and the other hand on his heart centre. Make eye contact, talk to him and tell him you love him. This helps to connect the pleasure and passion he feels in his genitals to the warmth in his heart and intensifies his feeling of love for you.
Also try running your palm from his genitals along to his heart centre then through to his shoulders and down to his hands. Do this in long, sweeping strokes, one hand after the other, for five or six strokes. Breathe in deeply as you stroke up to his heart and breathe out as you take it down his arms.
Ask him to follow your breathing — this helps to lift the sexual energy away from the genitals to the heart and upper body. You can also use a sweeping stroke down his thighs. Your hands can help create pathways, not only for the energy to flow to his heart and upper body, but also through his lower body and feet. Once a man develops this connection with his heart, then during lovemaking, all you need do is simply reach out and touch his heart centre. It will act as a reminder for him to get in touch with his love, not just his performance.
Copy right 2004 Diane Riley Australian School of Tantra Sydney / Perth / Melbourne
The truth is that no matter how much we want our relationship to run smoothly, disharmony still occurs. We get out of sync with our partner. We have disagreements, we argue and sometimes we get angry and hurt and say things to our partner that we wouldn’t say to our worst enemy.
What can we do about disharmony? First we need to have the right attitude. If we have the attitude that conflict should not occur, then we are always going to be under stress. Conflict is a part of growth and does occur in a healthy relationship. Very often the closer we get to our beloved, the more conflicts arise, se we need to develop the attitude, as we confront uncomfortable situations together, that although it can be painful, it is an opportunity to grow closer together.
Many people have the attitude that a good relationship must always be smooth and controlled, so they are unhappy and disappointed with their marriage when it doesn’t happen like that. They spend a lot of energy covering up the disharmony from others and they cover it up from each other until it gets out of control, and then the whole relationship explodes. So the first thing to have in your relationship is the understanding that disharmony is part of a healthy relationship, that it’s natural. Loving couples strive for the joy of becoming closer and closer together.
They want union, but along with union comes dependence which can make a man feel that he is allowing a woman to hold power over him. Men don’t want to have to depend on women; to some men this is dependence threatens their sense of masculinity and they resent it. Many women also resent feeling dependent on men and this creates an ongoing struggle for power and independence.
That is why lovers will always go on fighting. The fight is simply a way to show each other they are still independent.
It is important not to blame each other because this is something that happens between male and female energies. Don’t take it personally and don’t hurt the other for doing what is part of the man-woman relationship game.
If we are to move forward in our relationship, we must learn to let go and not carry bad energy around with us for hours or sometimes days. Some of us hang onto our disagreements for weeks. We must learn to let them go, but how do we do this?
Shutting off and walking out of the room is basically heading for a hug fight. You must discuss the issue. If at some point you do head out of the room, make sure you come back and be open to talk. However, discussing it while you are in a high state of resentment can be difficult and could perhaps lead to more disharmonies.
What should you do in these situations? The first step is to let go of having to be right and having to prove her wrong, and go into the bonding process.
The Bonding Process
Diane and I use a practice in our marriage called the Bonding Process. Many teachers of sexual loving teach similar exercises. It includes stopping the talking when you realise it’s not going anywhere and agreeing to physically connect your bodies.
It is important that you and your partner have agreed to do this in times of conflict. This process will help to keep sexual passion and loving bond alive in your relationship. You should make a prior agreement to partake in the process always. So when one asks the other, even though you may not want to, you will agree to say “yes”. It is not based on whether you want to, it is based on a decision you have made in your relationship which you have both agreed to honour no matter what – “to keep sexual passion and loving bond between you alive.”
Never refuse to honour this agreement because if you do you threaten the issue of trust in your relationship. Your partner has trusted you enough to drop the argument and ask for harmony. This I affirming that your relationship is more important than ego, more important than being right in this particular issue.
Suppose it is you who lets go first. You could say. “This is not getting us anywhere. I want to be in harmony with you. I want to do the Bonding Process. We can discuss this later when we are not so upset. Let’s put our bodies together.” The steps in the Bonding Process are as follows:
Take up the nurturing position. You (the requesting partner in this case) lie on your back while your partner lies besides you and rests her head on your chest. Place your right arm around her in a nurturing manner. She places her right hand on your heart chakra and you put your left hand on top of hers. Bend your right knee and place it between her legs, touching her sexual centre. Her right leg is bent over yours so her knee touches your genital area.
This connects your heart centre. Where you can open to give and receive love again, with your sexual centre, which, for a man, tends to open you more to wanting intimacy again. For her, being held in the nurturing position tends to open her heart centre again and by touching her sexual centre with your leg, reverses her normal reactive behaviour to close down sex to you in time of conflict.
Use the breath to let go of any tension. If you are very upset you will find that you will be tensing your body and holding your breath or you will feel your partner doing this. Breathe in with a long, deep breath through the nose and then sigh as you breathe out through the mouth –ahh! Repeat this at least 10 times, co-ordinating your breaths if you can; otherwise make sure you are both doing the deep breathing. Never allow just one of you to be doing it; both must participate.
As you breathe out let go of any anger, resentments or the need to be right. Release all tension in the body, especially in the jaw, neck and shoulders. As you continue with the breathing, allow your mind to quieten, allow the inner chatter about the argument to be dismissed. Take your awareness instead to the contact points between your physical bodies, especially your heart being open – feeling love, compassion, caring and forgiveness. Feel the warmth of your partner’s hand on your heart centre. Now focus on nurturing your partner like a child who has been hurt. Focus on that part of her that you really love beyond the part that has upset you.
Partner B ( your lover in this case), focus on being nurtured and cared for and then shifts her attention to her hand on your heart, healing it and opening you more to love again. If it feels appropriate she can gently move her hand from your heart centre to your sexual centre, gently cupping this area for a few minutes, while you keep your hand on your heart centre. This allows harmony between the emotions and physical sexuality to develop once more. You now exchange roles with your partner, gently repositioning before beginning. You need to spend al least five minutes in each role for it to be effective.
Both turn and face each other and hold each other naturally without your ands holding the heart or sexual chakras. Continue to breathe and let go, but do not say anything. Gaze gently into each other’s eyes with love and compassion while tuning into your own “higher self”, where having to be right or having to win the argument is not important. What is important is to keep eye contact and be soft, vulnerable and see the part of your beloved that wants to be loved and wants to love. Act as healers for each other, showing compassion, care and concern for your relationship.
Keep breathing gently and after a minute or so and when appropriate, one says “I’m sorry (we were fighting). I love you”. The other listens, breaths in and internally accepts this. Then she says “I’m sorry too and I love you.” Finish with a hug or a kiss.
It is most important not to say anything like” I forgive you, but next time..” This would blow the whole process. You may as well not have done it in the first place. Do not talk about the issue, just hug and kiss and suggest a cup of tea or a walk. Maybe several hours later or the next day you can return and deal with the issue. Dealing with it immediately after the Bonding Process is dangerous because you are very open and sensitive when you have trusted enough to say “sorry”.
After you have completed this process, you may not even need to discuss the issue again because you will find that the re-established harmony and balance may well provide a new viewpoint or attitude. If you do discuss it, you may come up with other solutions to the problem which you may not have reached while in a reactive mode.
In reality, neither of you are perfect. You both contributed to the disharmony in some way. By looking within and forgiving and by balancing the energies between you, very often circumstances begin to change.
The Power of Surrender
What you are doing in these three steps is surrendering your ego and honouring your true feelings to keep the sexual passion and loving bond between you alive. Surrender is not compromise. Surrender is letting go totally and giving over to a truth higher than yourself. In this case, the bonding of your relationship becomes the highest truth, not you winning the argument or allowing your beloved wants and needs to be more important than your own. It is important to honour your truth, your needs and wants. Surrendering is a powerful thing to do. Once the energy is balanced it is more likely that a solution will be found to whatever caused the disharmony in the first place.
Author: Diane Riley,
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Around the globe we are experiencing a growing awareness of the importance of honouring the sacred balance on our planet and in our relationships to the living world around us, in order to live sustainably and in harmony with our environment. I feel it is natural to extend this concept to a most fundamental aspect of our lives – sexuality.’
In certain ancient cultures sexuality and spirituality were entwined. Although not lost completely, ancient philosophies such as Tantra were known by few, and as time went on sex became a taboo subject in many western cultures. The world changed again however, as is the nature of evolution, and attitudes towards sex opened. Sex, a subject so widely broadcast, with unfathomable commercial influence, has now itself been significantly influenced by the consumer world. The physical aspects of sex seem to be intimated in everything we see and do, but perhaps this period of overt sexuality has reached its extreme. No extreme is sustainable, the edge has been found and maybe it is time to turn back.
Sexuality and its expression so often mimicks what is happening in society. Sexually repressed and inhibited during the Victorian era; free, rebellious and reactive in the swinging 60s; dynamic, aggressive and stereotypically male in the 80s; overt, provocative and material in the 90s and beyond.
What will come next? Now is the age of greater awareness and presence, a reconnection to the very things that give us life, of more sustainable living. Our sexuality will undoubtedly be influenced by that too.
The need to reconnect with all that is around us is more commonplace now. The selfish, consumeristic attitudes of recent history are no longer acceptable. In 2009, sex remains an influence in most facets of the consumer world. The trouble is, when anything is mass produced it is cheapened, with few exceptions. Sex is no different. We are overstimulated, overexposed to everything. Overexposed to sex, overwhelmed by choices, and simultaneously losing the true connection with God, spirit, nature, the source of life. People are looking for change.
The innate need to profoundly connect makes us less tolerant now of nonchalance, superficiality and experiences based solely on the physical, the material. We are recognising the need for sustainable practice, and why shouldn’t that extend to our fundamental selves and the way we relate to each other? There are a growing number of people bringing more awareness to their lives, a greater presence to all that they do. A resurgence of the art of sacred sex may just come from our need not only to reconnect, but to sustain that connection.
The word Tantra means to manifest, to expand and to weave. In the tantric sense, sex is thought to expand conciousness, weaving together the polarities of male (represented by the Hindu god Shiva) and female (embodied by the Hindu goddess Shakti), into one, a harmonious whole. Tantra, as a philosophy, arose in India more than 6,000 years ago, as a rebellion against organised religion that proclaimed sex should be rejected in order to reach enlightenment.
Diane and Kerry Riley were at the forefront of bringing Tantric philosophy and practice to Australia. Together for 30 years, dividing their time between Byron Bay and Sydney, they have each written books on sacred sex and co-created a DVD. They teach courses worldwide on sex, love and relationships and believe that sacred sex can not only be integrated into modern relationships but must be if relationships have a real chance of maturation.
Kerry says, ‘Not dissimilar to the beginnings of yoga, Tantra in its early days was quite religious, esoteric and somewhat elitist, accessible to just a few. Diane and I wanted to make sacred sex more accessible. We ourselves have three children, both run businesses, we had to learn how to integrate it into our real lives. Yoga is now accessible to everyone, and in so many different facets, and Tantra is similar in that way.’
Diane agrees, ‘Modern Tantra is hard to define. In its true essence it is a perspective on life. It’s attitude is one of acceptance, inclusion and expansion. It can be inclusive of current sexual practice and expanding on that, being open to everything.’
Diane says that it has even been described as broadly as anything that doesn’t harm anyone emotionally, physically or spiritually. ‘During my teaching, I often remind young girls that their sexual energy is precious, like a garden, only invite someone who will respect and admire it, not someone who will trample on it.’
The Rileys believe sacred sex is when mind, body and spirit are intertwined. If the mind is only concerned with the physical outcome of, for instance, orgasm, then it is likely the sex will take on aspects of a performance, the destination becomes more significant than the journey. Kerry says that the mind creates the experience, therefore if you are totally present and believe the union to be a special one, that your partner is a god or goddess, then the sex will be a sacred experience, connecting you both to each other and to a higher plane.
He adds, ‘There seems to be no polarity between the sexes now. It is more than acceptable now for a woman to be sexy, but this has reached extreme levels and many have become more male in their attitude towards sex. And some males have lost what it means to be a man. But I think it’s great we have gone to this extreme, because it has now allowed us to come back again. To have the perfect union there needs to be yin and yang, both partners need to tune into their true essence but also be in touch with the opposite energy that exists in themselves too.’
Diane adds, ‘What it is to be a sexy woman has been affected by a growing commercialisation of female sexuality and sometimes influenced by the male stereotype of sexual behaviour. For most women, the quality of their sexual experience is tightly linked with the level of emotional intimacy they feel with their partner. Kerry and I like to examine how lovers can develop and enhance heartfelt connections between them. Many people are incorporating more relaxed and adventurous attitudes towards sex and their own sexuality. Sacred sex is about bringing more soulfulness to sexual intimacy.
LIKE A VIRGIN?
Aphrodite was also known as the ‘golden goddess’, not only because of her beauty, but also because she radiated love and sensuality. This ‘golden glow of aphrodite’ is a description of a love that is pure, a love not tainted by the desires
By Satyo Cate Sullivan (guest facitiator Womens Tantra Retreat April 23-25 2010)
“The key to discovering the fulfilment that love can give us is to begin to listen to these messages. It is so easy when going about everyday life, managing, coping, and achieving, to either switch off from the heart or stay tuned in on a very surface level. If we do this too much we may find ourselves wondering why we feel dissatisfied, frustrated, restless, bored, and empty. Often this is because we are not listening in to those messages from the heart.
One way to get to know your own heart’s messages is to stop and write down the following sentence and see how you want to finish it. Keep writing this sentence each time, saying it to yourself and, without thinking it out, see what you write. The sentence is “Something my heart enjoys is …..”Just let the simple everyday things come to you as well as anything grandiose. Try not to write what you think your heart should enjoy. One of the joys of this experiment is to let yourself be surprised!!!
If it helps, put your hand on your heart beforehand for a minute to connect with it. Here are some examples I wrote:
“Something my heart enjoys is sitting at the computer writing …. (Now I didn’t expect that!)
“Something my heart enjoys is sensuous playful love making”
“Something my heart enjoys is receiving letters.”
“Something my heart enjoys is partaking in consciousness work.”
“Something my heart enjoys is listening to music by Vivaldi.”
“Something my heart enjoys is being with my goddaughter.”
“Something my heart enjoys is quality time to connect deeply with my lover”
“Something my heart enjoys is creating a beautiful place.”
Some things in life one passionately enjoys and others, just quietly so, but let your mind wander over a wide spectrum of experiences so you become familiar with the many ways your heart can resonate. A variation of this sentence you might like to try is “Something that touches my heart is …..” This can open to other realms of the heart. You can experiment with these sentences again at other times. You will come up with some new heartfelt insights each time. You may also want to consider how much space you are providing for yourself in your everyday life for what resonates with your heart.
There are some simple ways to know when your heart is sending some message to you. It is happening all the time but sometimes we forget how to listen. It is often in the ordinary moments of everyday life that it is happening. A feeling of warmth, an unexpected smile, tears or a sparkle coming to the eyes, an uplifting sense of joy, a wanting to share, often these symptoms are indicators that your heart is saying something, like “Yes, I like this person”, “I feel right in this situation”, “I like walking by the sea right now, I’ll do it a bit longer”, “I love this music, it makes me feel good”, “I am moved by this situation.”, “I need to connect with my friend”. These are the times to listen, not necessarily to act on the messages, but to get to know what your own heart is saying to you and what it feels like to experience it. Sometimes we may want to dismiss messages from the heart because the society we have created is not exactly conducive to some of its feelings. We may feel embarrassed, shy, foolish, scared, even overwhelmed by some of the feelings in the heart, depending on the situation we are in, but if we do not listen to some of its messages we can become cut off, tough, superficial or just end up creating lives that do not give us what we truly need. For example our heart may be sending us messages of attraction towards a person but that person does not fit our head’s ideal of the “right” person for us. We may miss out on a wonderful opportunity!
As you listen to the heart more you realise that it can experience many different states of being. These states can add richness, a fuller dimension to life. The heart knows joy, passion, tenderness, innocence, wonder, yearning, delight, devotion, gratitude, compassion. To taste at least some of these states of being can give a deep sense of fulfilment. Many people, the more they experience love in their lives, say “Oh, this is what life is all about!” When they get caught up and lost in the humdrum of daily living they remember to stop and listen in again to the heart. A way you can do this is to be still, focus on the area of your heart and be aware of one or two feelings that are there in that moment. Sometimes, when doing this, you may become aware of your own needs for the nourishment that a loving heart can give you. And you can provide this for yourself, seeing what your needs are in that moment, running yourself a luxurious bath, asking your lover to caress you, sitting for a while with a cup of tea or ringing a friend for a chat. You may tune in and find your heart feels full to overflowing and want to share that in some way making love, writing a letter, inviting someone over for dinner. You may just want to be present with whatever feeling is in the heart and sit and be with it, maybe lighting a candle or playing some music or you may want to take yourself out and walk somewhere you enjoy.
Sometimes when you listen to the heart there can also be feelings of wistfulness, poignancy, sadness or grief. We all have these feelings. They are part of loving and the longing for love. Allowed to be there, in a situation that feels comfortable for you, and experienced in a state of gentle compassion for yourself, they open another dimension to the love that is in the heart. They bring there own gifts. Listening to the heart is not some gooey, Iovey, dovey state. It can be nitty gritty. It brings height, breadth and depth to our lives and to our interactions with others.
Listening to the heart is enriching to your life whether you have or do not have a lover. Often it feels like we won’t know love and the warmth of the heart until someone comes and loves us. But the more you get to know how to listen to your own heart and discover its qualities the more you see how much love you have inside you already. Love is there in each of us. If you are alone at this time in your life, your sense of wellbeing will be greatly enhanced. If you do meet, or are already with a beloved, you find that, by each being in touch with your own heart you have so much more to share and explore together.
By Diane Riley (Founder Australian School of Tantra)
Aphrodite also known as the ‘golden goddess’, not only because of her beauty, but also because she radiated love and sensuality. This ‘golden glow of Aphrodite’, is a description of a love that is pure, a love not tainted by the desires of the ego or games of power.
It is, instead, a love that springs from a woman’s true sexual essence. Aphrodite did not exploit love for her own ego or for power and money.
Like a glorious sun, she shone down upon their culture and blessed it with the arts of sculpture, poetry and music. Nothing delights her more than the gratification of the senses by beautiful means.
Aphrodite often reveals herself to us when we first are in love and thereafter every time we have a sensual experience. Most young women experience the ‘golden glow of Aphrodite’ when they feel the early flush of love, holding hands with, or kissing a boyfriend.
Aphrodite was considered virginal, even though she had many lovers and, clearly, this had nothing to do with a physical state, but more with her inner attitude. Aphrodite is a woman who is true to herself, to her own intuition and emotions, not reliant on the approval of others. She enjoys sensuality for its own sake, and when she shares an experience of lovemaking, it is for the celebration of the divine energy of passion and attraction. (It is not for the manipulative games and trade-offs that so often happen within modern realtionships.)
I used to share a joke with my teenage daughters and some of their friends, telling them that even though I had three children, I was a virgin! They thought I was a little strange, but humoured me. I would explain that my sexuality belonged to me, not someone else, and told them what ‘virgin’ could also mean. I encouraged them to talk about the notion that their sexuality belonged to them, making it clear that virginity didn’t necessarily have anything to do with whether they had had sex or not. Rather, it was about sex being their choice, and not something they were pressured or obligated to do. They could follow their inner guidance. Belong to no man! I encouraged the idea that our sexuality belongs to ourselves, for now, and forever. (Diane Riley – Sexy and Sacred)
MEN DONT WASTE YOUR TIME AND ENERGY WISHING YOUR WOMAN BEHAVES DIFFERENTLY
WOMEN ATTRACT BY NATURE!!!
You may laugh, but a lot of men don’t get it! That while women can operate very much like men in the workplace, in roles as leaders, negotiators and managers, in relationships women are often very different to men. Men love the difference and that’s why they are so attracted in the first place. However after a few months or years of relationship disharmony and conflict creeps in and can lead a man to think that his partner is ALIEN!
One significant reason why your partner might get upset is that you don’t give her enough loving attention. She might feel that her attractiveness is not being appreciated.
Understanding this may help you to stop arguing when, for example, your partner spends lots of money on things that you don’t feel is necessary. There is no use rationalising and arguing that she buys something new for your home, or a new dress or shoes are a waste of good money.
She is not interested; she does not hear you. It is as though you are communicating with an alien. Indeed, it has helped me considerably in my relationship to accept that in some ways women are aliens. They often have different priorities.
If I look at it this way, then my partner’s behaviour does not always have to make sense to me. It’s a great relief because I used to spend a lot of time trying to figure women out.
Female behaviour does not have to make sense to a man.
For example on a practical level, some women will want to buy a new outfit and shoes whenever there’s a special occasion coming up. Women always seem to be buying shoes anyway, even when there isn’t any special event on the horizon! You may reason: she’s got plenty of clothes, so why can’t she just be like you simply put on her best shirt or jacket. It doesn’t make sense! If she was more like you she won’t spend as much money!
Just remember that it’s okay because she’s an alien, and that’s what these aliens do! If you don’t believe that feeling attractive is a big issue for women, then test it out by forgetting to comment when your partner buys some new clothes or goes to the hairdresser. Better still, tell her she wasted her money and the hairstyle doesn’t suit her. Then watch what happens for the next few days.
You partner will often interpret and approach situations very differently to you, whether this is a social, family, medical, educational, recreational or sexual.
Don’t look at the differences between men and women as a problem. The trick here is don’t try to understand why, or always try to change her mind. The key is to look at them as an opportunity to expand the ways you communicate your presence and your loving attention. Be creative and find ways of acknowledging her attractiveness, whether that is by appreciating her appeance, her creativity, her skills or her core nature.
When I bring flowers home for Diane, when I tell her I love her again and again in different ways, even though she already knows it, I am empowered, I feel good every time.
You can choose to see difference as an opportunity rather than as a problem, a possibility for you both to win and feel good in your relationship.
By Kerry Riley
Let the tantric perspective; that the important element in sex is ‘pleasure’ – and in fact in Tantra female pleasure is most paramount, be your guide. Tantric sex is not just about penetrative sex, ejaculation or even orgasm. It is about female pleasure! Now that is a great perspective. Vaginal orgasm is wonderful, however there are so many more pleasures, just as worthy of such acclaim that vaginal orgasm receives which have been overlooked.
Tantra broadens the experience of sex. For example with a little practice of some easy skills; your whole body becomes more sensual, your little toe, your inner thigh, nape of your neck can deliver heighten sexual sensation the same way your clitoris or vulva can enjoy.
There are many tantric practices that can assist you in developing a joyous and pleasurable sex life in mature life. Tantra offers physical skills not only to give and receive heighten sexual pleasure, but also for women to reveal and nurture their sacred inner sexiness.
Our sexual energy resides in our pelvis and our hips. So regular movement of the hips is important not only to promote good vaginal health with circulation of blood and oxygen to your pelvic bowl but can assist with maintaining a good psychological connection with your vagina/ vulva (‘yoni’ in tantra meaning ‘sacred place’). Try some simple hip swirls, figure eights or hip thrusts, let and perhaps tie a scarf around your hips first and enjoy encourage your inner tantric goddess play. You may be amazed by doing a few minutes of hip movement your daily your sensual energy increases as well as your desire. If you are familiar with P.C. exercises; couple the hips exercise with vaginal contractions for a few minutes every day. Some women have reported to me that this combination has helped return moisture to their yonis and reduced the impact of hot flushes!
One of the most beneficial skills of tantra is learning to be in the moment; to be present with some gentle mindfulness breathing (while making love). This is also the soulful aspect of Tantra.
An easy tantric practice that can bring you into the moment is to focus on your breath before making love just for a few minutes. Find a steady, slow, even rhythm and focus on your breath as it travels through the nostrils down to the lings, then follow the return passage. Keep this awareness for ten cycles. If your thoughts travel somewhere else, gently bring them back to focus on the breath. If you have difficulty with this, then with each inhalation, say to yourself:
‘I am breathing in’ and with each exhalation
“I am breathing out, ten’
Then the next breath, ‘I am breathing in’, then
“I am breathing out, nine’.
Keep doing this as you count down to zero.
Do not rush the breath.
If your mind wanders, start back at ten again’.
If you do this at the beginning of any tantric sex session it will relieve some of the stresses of the day, slow down your constant stream of intrusive thoughts, dissolve anxieties, deadlines or tensions and bring you more into the moment. When you are more fully present in the moment you enhance your own sensations plus the exchange of physical and emotional energy with your partner. You can do this exercise by yourself before lovemaking or ask your partner to do the breathing practice at the same time as you.
Once you have become familiar with this practice more advanced breathing practices can be incorporated into lovemaking; ‘synchronized breathing’ and ‘alternate breathing’. Each of the different tantric breathing practices enlivens you on every level of body, heart and soul. Lovemaking becomes a journey of discovery and pleasure within the moment and potentially opening recesses and depths of heart and soul previously inaccessible and unexplored. It is these extra ordinary experiences and places within that enrich our lives and our loving selves.
Advanced tantric breath skills when coupled with erotically enhancing vaginal muscles exercises can amplify sensual pleasure sending pulsing ecstatic energy throughout the whole body.
Pleasure of the body is life enhancing, stimulating the pituitary gland and regulating hormornes to optimum levels. Sexual pleasure is a tonic for good health, wellbeing and self esteem.
Tantra and sacred sexuality have so much to offer women (and their partners) to open to more love, joy and pleasure. Fortunately my own journey to menopause has been assisted by my tantric practice with a minimum of symptoms.
Diane Riley, author of ‘Sexy and Sacred, sexual secrets for women’ and with partner Kerry Riley, is co-author of the internationally best-selling book ‘Sexual secrets for men, what every woman would want her man to know’ and co- creator of the acclaimed DVD ‘The Secrets of Sacred sex, a guide to intimacy, sex and loving’. She teaches courses worldwide on sex, love and relationships. Since 1987, as founder of the Australian School of Tantra, Diane trains tantra teachers and coaches and conduct regular seminars throughout Australia. The school facilitates women’s seminars and training sessions. Diane also offers individual couples sessions in Byron Bay and Sydney.
Australian School of Tantra director and author of Sexy and Sacred: Sexual Secrets for Women, Diane Riley said that stress, sickness, having small children, pregnancy, menopause, tiredness and emotional upsets could put a couple’s libido out of synch.
“One partner can feel pressured for sex and the other can feel neglected or abandoned” she said. Ms Riley said she taught a practice to remedy poor libido called daily devotion, which was based on an ancient Taoist exercise and involved a couple taking up to five minutes each day to connect in a gently loving way. First thing in the morning or last thing at night…. they remain in a loving embrace for up to five minutes”.
A way to remedy feeling unappreciated in your relationship was by finding things you liked about your life, your partner and your situation, said Australian School of Tantra director Diane Riley.
“Couples can improve their relationship by affirming their partners, instead of taking them for granted” she said. ” Often at the beginning of relationships we feel great about our partners and naturally say affirmative things but, as the relationship matures we oftne start inwardly demanding more and more from them”.