Feeling Uncomfortable and Finding Harmony
In the initial stages of most relationships when men and women meet and fall in love, there is lots of love and energy and intimacy, lots of lovemaking and lots of passion. Then, after a period of time many couples lose it. The Hite Report states that eighty five percent of women say that after two years of being in a relationship or marriage they love their husbands but they are no longer ‘in love’ with them. Some couples will say to Diane and me: ‘We still have sex, our passion still comes up occasionally, but it seems to have lost its sizzle, it’s lost its juice. The intimacy and the opening that we used to feel in our hearts when we first met isn’t really there any more. We’re not in love like we used to be.’
There is a school of thought that believes: ‘Well that’s natural, that’s what happens.’ It is natural and it is what happens unless couples consciously choose to continue to create love and passion in their relationships. This is possible, but it requires a decision that this is something that you dearly want in your lives, something that you treasure, something that you believe will give you more from life than anything else.
The path of relationship as one of the quickest paths to personal growth and fulfilment physically, emotionally, spiritually and sexually. Relationship can be a path through which we get a tangible experience of love. For this reason if you decide to put a lot of energy, care and attention into it so that you experience more love in this lifetime. We know that at the end of our lives what will count more than anything else will be how much we loved.
Above everything else, we all want love. We can go through life and gain a lot of things materially and socially, but if we miss out on love then we will have missed the most important thing in life. The woman with whom you have chosen to live your life your beloved is the one you have allowed to get closest to you, and through her you have the potential to feel even more love in this lifetime. A lot of couples make a common error. They put more energy into their career, their family, their sport and their interests than into their relationship. They expect their relationship will progress satisfactorily while they get on with these so-called much more important things. They do not realise that by supporting and nurturing their primary relationship, they will be able to enhance and give more energy and creativity to all these other pursuits and relationships.
Treat your relationship with your beloved as a wonderful gift and see it as a generator of creativity, providing energy for everything else that you want to do.
In other words, make an agreement to treat your relationship as high priority and put in the energy necessary to support that decision.
CREATING HARMONY WHEN YOU DON’T SEE EYE TO EYE
The truth is that no matter how much we want our relationships to run smoothly, disharmony still occurs. We get out of sync with our partner. We have disagreements, we argue and sometimes we get angry and hurt and say things to our partner that we wouldn’t say to our worst enemy.
What can we do about disharmony? First we need to have the right attitude. If we have the attitude that conflict should not occur, then we are always going to be under stress. Conflict is a part of growth and does occur in a healthy relationship. Very often the closer we get to our beloved, the more conflicts arise, so we need to develop the attitude, as we confront uncomfortable situations together, that although it can be painful, it is an opportunity to grow closer together.
Many people have the attitude that a good relationship must always be smooth and controlled, so they are unhappy and disappointed with their marriage when it doesn’t happen like that. They spend a lot of energy covering up the disharmony from others and they cover it up from each other until it gets out of control, and then the whole relationship explodes. So the first thing to have in your relationship is the understanding that disharmony is part of a healthy relationship, that it’s natural. Loving couples strive for the joy of becoming closer and closer together. They want union, but along with union comes dependence which can make a man feel that he is allowing a woman to hold power over him. Men don’t want to have to depend on women; to some men this dependence threatens their sense of masculinity and they resent it. Many women also resent feeling dependent on men and this creates an ongoing struggle for power and independence.
That is why lovers will always go on fighting. The fight is simply a way to show each other they are still independent. We fight and feel like separating sometimes, but it’s not too long before we start wanting to make up, wanting to be held again, because the moment we start separating from our beloved we feel a need for the union. We miss the warmth, we miss the love, we miss the sex, we miss the feeling of union, we feel lonely and so do our partners. So we strive to create union again, and the struggle goes on. Part of us wants to be interdependent while the other part wants independence. It is important not to blame each other because this is something that happens between male and female energies. Don’t take it personally and don’t hurt the other for doing what is part of the man-woman relationship game.
Joys and hurts are part and parcel of falling in love. The secret is to see them as a natural part of a relationship the key is to nurture relationship to keep it healthy and respectful…
There is a well known teaching that says: ‘In order to go forward you must first contract.’ The metaphor is that of a bow and arrow. In order for the arrow to move forward, you must first pull back against the bow. This is like a couple who pull away from each other, contract from each other as tension builds up, then when it is released they move further forward in their relationship. A master archer knows to let go of the arrow as soon as the contraction is complete and his aim is taken. We need to become master archers in our relationships. Lets all be a little bit kinder, and if you can … take a moment … to check …in with yourself to be passionate, present and respectful.