By Diane Riley co-author of “Sexual Secrets for Men, want every woman would want their man to know”.
This article mainly addresses the issue of changes in sexual desire after childbirth. However the sacred sexuality practice suggested here to assist with this issue is also applicable to changes in desire during pregnancy.
It is not surprising that childbirth can profoundly affect your feelings about sex. I remember in the second stage of labour of my first baby saying to myself “I’ll never have sex again!” And seriously deliberating the joys of a celibate future.
However, pain experienced in labour is not the only cause of changes in attitude towards sex after childbirth. How you have been treated during this time and the level of emotional and physical support you receive during those first few weeks and months with a new baby also affects you. As well as this you are trying to establish routines within the context of relationship, other offspring, even returning to part – or full time work. You are dealing with breast or bottle feeding, broken night’s sleep and fluctuating hormones. The thought of sex may appear as either some wonderful dreamy luxury or be enough to make you to want to become a nun!
As life goes on, amidst feeding, washing, cooking and domestic chaos you may start to feel that you are the primordial Great Mother – providing for the well being of all others; the baby, the family, the job and to top it off: the conjugal rights of the husband!
Fluctuations in desire – during pregnancy and after childbirth – affect both the man and the woman in the relationship and yet it is a time where emotional and physical closeness is needed to enrich your union.
With the arrival of the baby a man may feel that he has both lost a lover and gained a dependent who wakes and squawks at irregular hours (of course he loves the baby too!). He may sense that your body which he so loved to touch and make love to is off limits; your breasts may be swollen and tender, your vagina gradually going through the healing process, or you may be recuperating from a Caesarian. There is no time for romance or passion, let alone sex. He may be wondering where he fits into to the scheme of things. Unfortunately after a while some men start to feel they are just a co -carer of the offspring with not much room left for being the lover!
With most of their emotional and physical energy taken up by the child many women feel they have no energy ‘left over’ for sex. They want “five minutes peace” and need a little supportive nurturing themselves. Instead of feeling desire and looking forward to moments of passion, making love can become just another obligation that they have to attend to. For many couples this can escalate to create big problems.
During my seminars many women of young children have spoken to me of their feelings about sexuality before children (B.C) and ask how they can integrate their sexuality into motherhood. While some women do find a deepened connection with their sexuality and can surrender conscious control of their bodies and enjoy orgasm even more (or for the very first time), others find it difficult to even have their partners sexually touch them. Most say there is an adjustment period where partners are moving into new rhythms of parenting while still being lovers. They welcome creative ways to assist this shift.
Lucy and Adam’s story
Lucy’s is a common story. Lucy is a young and vivacious mother of two; a little girl, two and a half years old and a three-month baby boy. B. C. (before children) she and her partner Adam enjoyed a really connected relationship. But Lucy had a difficult birth with her first child and didn’t feel like sex for several moths after the birth.
Adam had been understanding and patient but of course it was a difficult time for both of them. They finally got back into their previous regular pattern of lovemaking but then they had another child. Lucy said: “Now with the second I’ve got no energy at all left at the end of the day, I just want to curl up in bed and be cuddled, no sex, I’ve got no desire at all. I don’t want to have sex. Adam is becoming more distant and the pressure he is putting on me is not appreciated, I feel as if l have three children all wanting something from me”
I reassured Lucy that her experience is a common one for mothers of young children. They become both physically exhausted and strongly emotionally connected to their babies, losing their sexual energy. If this goes on for long the relationship suffers and may deteriorate to an irreparable extent.
During this critical time a special awareness is needed from both partners in the relationship. Men can naturally feel neglected both emotionally and sexually yet a lot of women just expect them to put up with the changes in sexual relationship and to await a return of her sexual energy before sexual relations are re-established. This may take months, even years.
Sacred sexuality practices offer an answer to this dilemma. One particularly appropriate practice is Daily Devotion. Taoist master, Dr Stephen Chang, introduced this practice to us and my husband and I have adapted it for modern lovers. Daily Devotion works very well when partners are experiencing a difference in desire so it is especially applicable when new bundles of joy arrive in your life!
Many women sense that their sexuality is much more expansive and powerful than they or their partners may be prepared to acknowledge or explore. Perhaps we are hesitant to do so because we are not quite sure where this will take us. Yet some of us have had a glimpse of a sacred sexual experience and know there is more. Increasingly women and men want to explore the sacred aspects of sex and relationship to discover ways that sexual loving can open the doors of enlightment for their beloved and themselves.
In some ancient cultures when a woman was in a high state where sexuality was combined with spirituality, it was said she was in the presence of the goddess of love and sexuality and by embodying some aspects of this goddess we are able to enjoy our lovemaking a whole lot more.
Today the study of sacred sexuality is a wonderful context to explore relationship and conscious lovemaking, where both men and women, single and in partnership can expand conscious awareness on a personal and spiritual level ; body , heart and soul.
Contemporary tantra offers many practical skills and frames of reference to assist modern lovers on the path of love, relationship and sexuality.
Tantra is a spiritual science from ancient India and in its basic essence, very similar to Taoism from China. Both involve balancing the male and female energies to create harmony and have an ultimate goal of unity or spiritual ecstasy, known as enlightenment. Tantra encourages one to explore every aspect of life. So obviously the study of sexuality was included, not only included but in fact revered.
Making love was seen as divine, as a gift to God. So there was no repression or guilt attached to sex. It taught that when a man approaches his beloved he should have a sacred feeling as if he were going into a temple. How would that be for you if your partner was aware of that aspect of tantra?
For my partner Kerry and me, tantra is a journey and a spiritual path which it can be for you individually or with a partner to experience your highest potentials; physically, emotionally and spiritually. In tantric loving you develop your ability to accept and feel more love and to express and give more love on every level. It gives you a frame work to explore sexuality and relationship in a sacred way.
If you’re single by developing tantric practices and skills you may find your magnetic attractiveness is increased and as a result may draw to yourself a suitable partner and when you do, you’ll have extra skills to develop and share which will help maintain a nurturing and passionate partnership. If already in relationship you and your partner will be opened up to new heights of love and it will help keep love and passion alive even in a long term relationship.
Tantric lovemaking and relationship can add to the ways you experience love in 3 major areas:
Firstly: It teaches you ways to open to more love so that your heart truly opens.
Secondly: It gives you ways to reach heightened states of ecstasy and pleasure beyond the realms of normal sex.
Thirdly: it teaches Sacred Sex- ways to transform your lovemaking into a sacred experience which will touch you on every level of your being, body, heart and soul.
Tantra requires a committed willingness to honestly examine your own limitations and resistances in the areas of heart felt emotion, sexuality and love that inhibit you from developing your potentials. We all have some blockages or other which restrict the amount of love and pleasure that we can feel and enjoy and restrict also the amount of love we extend to others including our partners.
The kundalini energy, the sexual life force that sits in the base of the spine rises and provides us with energy and inspiration we need for this transformation, to help unlock these blockages and to give us the insights and the awareness to make positive changes on physical and emotional levels, which enables us to open up more and more to our full creative potentials. Tantra teaches us the ways to awaken and transform our kundalini energy into creativity and healing.
How much love do you feel in your life right now?
Sadly, all too often we hold back and protect our love because we are afraid that if we surrender to it, we will get hurt. Perhaps, some time in the past we may have opened our heart and been hurt. Someone leaves us, someone lets us down, someone cheats on us. So we protect ourselves by building up layers of defense around our heart. Yet we all know that it is only love that makes us feel whole. We all have a great need for love and it’s only when we fully open up to it that we will feel complete. We need to trust again to ‘let go’. If we get hurt again, then in my mind at least, this is preferable to only living life in a state of ‘half loving’. Through contemporary tantra we can learn ways to heal and strengthen the heart so we can safely let down some of our barriers.
Take time to listen to your heart.
For this exercise I suggest you put on some heart opening music like Vivaldi or Deva Premal. Sit quietly and put your hands over your heart, paying attention to any physical sensation you may feel – tightness, heaviness, lightness, whatever. Now, pay attention to any feelings that may arise such as joy, laughter, sadness. Give yourself a few minutes to experience whatever it is you can feel. If you are doing this with a partner, then perhaps hold each other in a warm embrace. Don’t talk; rather concentrate on your feelings of love. If you are doing this exercise alone, then just put your hands on your heart chakra, in the centre of your chest – right hand over left.
The heart is a great teacher if we learn to listen to it. By being aware of what it is, we experience our emotions and take time to savor the ‘good’ things. We are also able to give attention to uncomfortable feelings like hurt, anger, guilt, frustration, sadness and disappointment. Be conscious of your breathing and use the out breath to release and let go of the tension associated with these feeling. If we can do this, then we are in a better position to heal or to take responsibility for these feelings rather than them remaining a shadow of energy that builds to eruption point creating continual disharmony and drama in our lives.
What was your education about sex?
Our attitudes to sex have been greatly influenced by our up- brining in a society which gave many of us mental associations with sex of fear, guilt, secrecy and shame. Although you may feel this doesn’t impact on you now they often are imbedded in our subconscious and affect our ability to truly feel all the bliss and ecstasy that can occur during lovemaking.
Who taught you about sex? Was it someone skilled in the arts of tantra, versed in two thousand years of lovemaking secrets? And your first sexual experience, was that a right of passage a wonderful journey into the secrets of lovemaking? Did you see it as an art form, a gift of God? Not likely I bet.
Taoist sexuality writings say, the woman is like water and the man is like fire. What normally happens is the water puts out the fire too quickly. Conscious men, need to be able to make love as long as necessary to satisfy their women and at the same time reach higher orgasmic states themselves.
For men, ejaculation mastery is an essential skill to master so that during lovemaking they can learn to flow with that energy while at the same time their beloved is feeling that energy and is being warmed up to higher orgasmic states. To find out more click here
There are two exercises, two techniques that will help with ejaculation control. One is P.C. Muscle exercises and the other is the breath.
These exercises are also beneficial for women to extend pleasure for herself and to give more pleasure to her partner. The P.C. muscle is the major muscle of contraction in both sexes for orgasm, so strengthening it increases sensations of pleasure.
The P.C. muscle extends from the base of the spine where it is connected to the coccyx, to the front of the body where it is connected to the pubic bone. A good way to locate the P.C. or love muscle for yourself is that next time you are urinating try to stop the flow of urination in mid stream.
Another secret is working with your breath. What most men do as excitement builds up is hold their breath as they get close to climax. If men are to reverse the flow of sexual energy the best way is to breathe slowly, deeply and rhythmically.
For women to enhance your own ecstasy you can us the P.C. Muscle and breath exercise also. You can use this at peaks of energy to trigger orgasm or to spread the orgasmic energy throughout the body.
Tantra Lovemaking as a spiritual practice.
Many people know about meditation and are curious how to incorporate it as a tantric practice. White Tantra is when you do your meditation alone; Red Tantra is when you combine your practice with a partner. Both are profound and powerful.
Setting the physical environment is important. Taking a little time to clean and beautify your room or space, the use of candles, flowers, essence all help to make the transition from the ordinary to the extraordinary. While in sexual embrace , the use of meditative skills such as breath awareness, being totally in the moment, muscle awareness, being heart connected, giving and receiving pleasure can change lovemaking into a sacred experience opening the doors of expanded awareness and insight. When this is experienced it is said the god and goddess of love have danced on the ceiling and leave their gifts of bliss to resonant with you in your daily life.
Diane Riley, author ‘Sexual Secrets of Men’, co- creator “The Secrets of Sacred Sex’ video and director with her partner Kerry Riley of The Australian School of Tantra. They run weekend Tantra workshops for singles and couples throughout Australia.
Copyright 2005. Spectra 2000 P/L
By Diane Riley
Tantra article by Jade De Souza interview with Diane Riley
True intimacy goes beyond sex:
It is about making mental and spiritual
Connections that can have profound effect on teh success and enjoyment of your romantic relationship.
emotional intimacy is achieved on a psychological levels entails respecting and honouring your true feelings and sharing them openingly with your partner. Increasing level of trust and communicatioon in your relationship fosters uninhibited disclosure of your most inner most selves.
How can you create meaningful and mutually satisfying heart to heart connection with your partner? Diane and Kerry riley, founders and diresctors of the Australian School of Tantra, explain that tantric practices are great for couples who want to pull themselves out of complaacency and return to being deeply in love. “Tantra is an ancient Indian philosophy that regards the male and female union as a path to enlightenment. connecting the sexual with the soulful, tantra harmonies male and female energies, cultivating and nurturing connections between lovers,” Diane says.
The truth is that no matter how much we want our relationship to run smoothly, disharmony still occurs. We get out of sync with our partner. We have disagreements, we argue and sometimes we get angry and hurt and say things to our partner that we wouldn’t say to our worst enemy.
What can we do about disharmony? First we need to have the right attitude. If we have the attitude that conflict should not occur, then we are always going to be under stress. Conflict is a part of growth and does occur in a healthy relationship. Very often the closer we get to our beloved, the more conflicts arise, se we need to develop the attitude, as we confront uncomfortable situations together, that although it can be painful, it is an opportunity to grow closer together.
Many people have the attitude that a good relationship must always be smooth and controlled, so they are unhappy and disappointed with their marriage when it doesn’t happen like that. They spend a lot of energy covering up the disharmony from others and they cover it up from each other until it gets out of control, and then the whole relationship explodes. So the first thing to have in your relationship is the understanding that disharmony is part of a healthy relationship, that it’s natural. Loving couples strive for the joy of becoming closer and closer together.
They want union, but along with union comes dependence which can make a man feel that he is allowing a woman to hold power over him. Men don’t want to have to depend on women; to some men this is dependence threatens their sense of masculinity and they resent it. Many women also resent feeling dependent on men and this creates an ongoing struggle for power and independence.
That is why lovers will always go on fighting. The fight is simply a way to show each other they are still independent.
It is important not to blame each other because this is something that happens between male and female energies. Don’t take it personally and don’t hurt the other for doing what is part of the man-woman relationship game.
If we are to move forward in our relationship, we must learn to let go and not carry bad energy around with us for hours or sometimes days. Some of us hang onto our disagreements for weeks. We must learn to let them go, but how do we do this?
Shutting off and walking out of the room is basically heading for a hug fight. You must discuss the issue. If at some point you do head out of the room, make sure you come back and be open to talk. However, discussing it while you are in a high state of resentment can be difficult and could perhaps lead to more disharmonies.
What should you do in these situations? The first step is to let go of having to be right and having to prove her wrong, and go into the bonding process.
The Bonding Process
Diane and I use a practice in our marriage called the Bonding Process. Many teachers of sexual loving teach similar exercises. It includes stopping the talking when you realise it’s not going anywhere and agreeing to physically connect your bodies.
It is important that you and your partner have agreed to do this in times of conflict. This process will help to keep sexual passion and loving bond alive in your relationship. You should make a prior agreement to partake in the process always. So when one asks the other, even though you may not want to, you will agree to say “yes”. It is not based on whether you want to, it is based on a decision you have made in your relationship which you have both agreed to honour no matter what – “to keep sexual passion and loving bond between you alive.”
Never refuse to honour this agreement because if you do you threaten the issue of trust in your relationship. Your partner has trusted you enough to drop the argument and ask for harmony. This I affirming that your relationship is more important than ego, more important than being right in this particular issue.
Suppose it is you who lets go first. You could say. “This is not getting us anywhere. I want to be in harmony with you. I want to do the Bonding Process. We can discuss this later when we are not so upset. Let’s put our bodies together.” The steps in the Bonding Process are as follows:
Step 1:
Take up the nurturing position. You (the requesting partner in this case) lie on your back while your partner lies besides you and rests her head on your chest. Place your right arm around her in a nurturing manner. She places her right hand on your heart chakra and you put your left hand on top of hers. Bend your right knee and place it between her legs, touching her sexual centre. Her right leg is bent over yours so her knee touches your genital area.
This connects your heart centre. Where you can open to give and receive love again, with your sexual centre, which, for a man, tends to open you more to wanting intimacy again. For her, being held in the nurturing position tends to open her heart centre again and by touching her sexual centre with your leg, reverses her normal reactive behaviour to close down sex to you in time of conflict.
Step 2:
Use the breath to let go of any tension. If you are very upset you will find that you will be tensing your body and holding your breath or you will feel your partner doing this. Breathe in with a long, deep breath through the nose and then sigh as you breathe out through the mouth –ahh! Repeat this at least 10 times, co-ordinating your breaths if you can; otherwise make sure you are both doing the deep breathing. Never allow just one of you to be doing it; both must participate.
As you breathe out let go of any anger, resentments or the need to be right. Release all tension in the body, especially in the jaw, neck and shoulders. As you continue with the breathing, allow your mind to quieten, allow the inner chatter about the argument to be dismissed. Take your awareness instead to the contact points between your physical bodies, especially your heart being open – feeling love, compassion, caring and forgiveness. Feel the warmth of your partner’s hand on your heart centre. Now focus on nurturing your partner like a child who has been hurt. Focus on that part of her that you really love beyond the part that has upset you.
Partner B ( your lover in this case), focus on being nurtured and cared for and then shifts her attention to her hand on your heart, healing it and opening you more to love again. If it feels appropriate she can gently move her hand from your heart centre to your sexual centre, gently cupping this area for a few minutes, while you keep your hand on your heart centre. This allows harmony between the emotions and physical sexuality to develop once more. You now exchange roles with your partner, gently repositioning before beginning. You need to spend al least five minutes in each role for it to be effective.
Step 3:
Both turn and face each other and hold each other naturally without your ands holding the heart or sexual chakras. Continue to breathe and let go, but do not say anything. Gaze gently into each other’s eyes with love and compassion while tuning into your own “higher self”, where having to be right or having to win the argument is not important. What is important is to keep eye contact and be soft, vulnerable and see the part of your beloved that wants to be loved and wants to love. Act as healers for each other, showing compassion, care and concern for your relationship.
Keep breathing gently and after a minute or so and when appropriate, one says “I’m sorry (we were fighting). I love you”. The other listens, breaths in and internally accepts this. Then she says “I’m sorry too and I love you.” Finish with a hug or a kiss.
It is most important not to say anything like” I forgive you, but next time..” This would blow the whole process. You may as well not have done it in the first place. Do not talk about the issue, just hug and kiss and suggest a cup of tea or a walk. Maybe several hours later or the next day you can return and deal with the issue. Dealing with it immediately after the Bonding Process is dangerous because you are very open and sensitive when you have trusted enough to say “sorry”.
After you have completed this process, you may not even need to discuss the issue again because you will find that the re-established harmony and balance may well provide a new viewpoint or attitude. If you do discuss it, you may come up with other solutions to the problem which you may not have reached while in a reactive mode.
In reality, neither of you are perfect. You both contributed to the disharmony in some way. By looking within and forgiving and by balancing the energies between you, very often circumstances begin to change.
The Power of Surrender
What you are doing in these three steps is surrendering your ego and honouring your true feelings to keep the sexual passion and loving bond between you alive. Surrender is not compromise. Surrender is letting go totally and giving over to a truth higher than yourself. In this case, the bonding of your relationship becomes the highest truth, not you winning the argument or allowing your beloved wants and needs to be more important than your own. It is important to honour your truth, your needs and wants. Surrendering is a powerful thing to do. Once the energy is balanced it is more likely that a solution will be found to whatever caused the disharmony in the first place.
Author: Diane Riley,
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An article on love, sex and relationships, workshop facilitators KERRY & DIANE Riley expose old myths in regard to relationships, and share ways in which to create harmony through a unique Bonding Process they have developed.
provide the potential for the highest lovemaking. It is worth working on your relationship if you want to open up to more possibilities in the area of your lovemaking, because as your relationship grows deeper and sex get better. There is nothing better than having a fabulous sexual experience with the person whom you love the most in life. Sex can be fabulous out-of-relationship, but it can be even more fabulous with a person who deeply loves and trusts you because then you have the intimacy as well as the sexual passion.
It is important to point out that relationships in their current form in our society are not working. Statistics show that in Western societies more than fifty percent of married couples get divorced. Once we fall in love, we get married and take a vow to honour and love each other forever, in sickness and in health. Even though we may truly hope for this at a time, the evidence is that fairytale marriages are rare. Yet deep down many people still expect this to happen for them, and when it doesn’t, they get deeply hurt.
If, on the other hand, we had been conditioned to accept and honour “serial monogamy” as the norm, then we wouldn’t put such pressure on ourselves or our partner to be happily married and in love for a lifetime.
In Challenge of the Heart, by John Welwood, it is pointed out that “ no earlier society has ever tried, much less succeeded at, joining together romantic love, sex , and marriage in a single institution”. In traditional societies it was normal for marriages to be arranged by the families. Happiness was not the goal of marriage, which was more to do with family lineage and property. Feelings of love were never considered a season a reason for marriage. Marriage for love was not attempted until the 19th century. However, it was regarded as degrading for women in Victorian times to have sexual feelings, so men often had sex with prostitutes.
It’s important to understand the impact of this, to understand that you are a pioneer, one of the first of mankind throughout history to even attempt to combine love, sex and marriage. No wonder you have difficulties. It’s not simply to do with you and your partner’s inadequacies. It’s a hug challenge and there is very little education on how to combine all this for a lifetime together.
The emphasis on individualism in our society, on “doing your own thing”’ can work against marriage. Many couples who have gone off on their own personal growth paths separately from each other often find it difficult to integrate that individual growth in a supportive way in their marriage. I’m not suggesting that personal growth work should not be done. It is most important, but if you have done a lot of that, it’s time to create a balance between your individual needs and the needs of your relationships as a whole. Go to groups that support your loving relationship.
I believe people are genuinely wanting to end the battle of the sexes and enter into a joint journey of personal growth and sexual, emotional and spiritual fulfilment. We are entering what you could call the “We Generation”, as opposed to the preceding “Me Generation”, and this is happening on a global level. We need all the education we can get to make our relationship work, so I hope you will try some of the secrets I share with you.
Diane my wife and I have decided to maintain sexual passion and a loving bond throughout our lives together, se we put a lot of time, energy and care into our relationship. We treat it as a very special entity. It is more important than each of our lives. It takes something we work on as team-mates, continually creating more and more love in our lives. It takes something more powerful than hoping, wishing or desiring, it takes a lifetime commitment.
In the initial stages of most relationships when men and women meet and fall in love, there is lots of love and energy and intimacy, lots of lovemaking and lots of passion. Then, after a period of time, many couples lose it. The Hite Report states that85 per cent of women say that after two years of being in a relationship or marriage they love their husbands but are no longer “ In love” with them. Some couples will say to Diane and me: “we still have sex, our passion comes occasionally, but it seems to have lost its sizzle, it’s lost its juice. The intimacy and the opening that we used to feel in our hearts when we first met isn’t really there anymore…”
There is a school of though that believes: “Well that’s natural, that’s what happens”. Diane and I believe it is natural and it is what happens – unless couples consciously choose to continue to create love and passion in their relationships. This is possible, but it requires a decision that this is something that you dearly want in your lives, something that you treasure, something that you believe will give you more from life than anything else.
Above everything else, we all want love. We can go through life and gain a lot of things materially and socially, but if we miss out on love then we will have missed the most important thing in life. The woman with whom you have chosen to live your life – your beloved – is the one you have allowed to get closest to you, and through her you have the potential to feel even more love in this lifetime. A lot of couples make a common error. They put more energy into their career, their family, their sport and their interests than into their relationship. They expect their relationship will progress satisfactorily while they get on with their so-called much more important things. They do not realise that by supporting and nurturing their primary relationship, they will be able enhance and give more energy and creativity to all these other pursuits and relationships.
In other words, make an agreement to treat your relationship a high priority and put in the energy necessary to support that decision.
Coaching can open up new and improved ways to have a conscious relationship, where love and sexual passion are sustained.
Around the globe we are experiencing a growing awareness of the importance of honouring the sacred balance on our planet and in our relationships to the living world around us, in order to live sustainably and in harmony with our environment. I feel it is natural to extend this concept to a most fundamental aspect of our lives – sexuality.’
In certain ancient cultures sexuality and spirituality were entwined. Although not lost completely, ancient philosophies such as Tantra were known by few, and as time went on sex became a taboo subject in many western cultures. The world changed again however, as is the nature of evolution, and attitudes towards sex opened. Sex, a subject so widely broadcast, with unfathomable commercial influence, has now itself been significantly influenced by the consumer world. The physical aspects of sex seem to be intimated in everything we see and do, but perhaps this period of overt sexuality has reached its extreme. No extreme is sustainable, the edge has been found and maybe it is time to turn back.
Sexuality and its expression so often mimicks what is happening in society. Sexually repressed and inhibited during the Victorian era; free, rebellious and reactive in the swinging 60s; dynamic, aggressive and stereotypically male in the 80s; overt, provocative and material in the 90s and beyond.
What will come next? Now is the age of greater awareness and presence, a reconnection to the very things that give us life, of more sustainable living. Our sexuality will undoubtedly be influenced by that too.
The need to reconnect with all that is around us is more commonplace now. The selfish, consumeristic attitudes of recent history are no longer acceptable. In 2009, sex remains an influence in most facets of the consumer world. The trouble is, when anything is mass produced it is cheapened, with few exceptions. Sex is no different. We are overstimulated, overexposed to everything. Overexposed to sex, overwhelmed by choices, and simultaneously losing the true connection with God, spirit, nature, the source of life. People are looking for change.
The innate need to profoundly connect makes us less tolerant now of nonchalance, superficiality and experiences based solely on the physical, the material. We are recognising the need for sustainable practice, and why shouldn’t that extend to our fundamental selves and the way we relate to each other? There are a growing number of people bringing more awareness to their lives, a greater presence to all that they do. A resurgence of the art of sacred sex may just come from our need not only to reconnect, but to sustain that connection.
The word Tantra means to manifest, to expand and to weave. In the tantric sense, sex is thought to expand conciousness, weaving together the polarities of male (represented by the Hindu god Shiva) and female (embodied by the Hindu goddess Shakti), into one, a harmonious whole. Tantra, as a philosophy, arose in India more than 6,000 years ago, as a rebellion against organised religion that proclaimed sex should be rejected in order to reach enlightenment.
Diane and Kerry Riley were at the forefront of bringing Tantric philosophy and practice to Australia. Together for 30 years, dividing their time between Byron Bay and Sydney, they have each written books on sacred sex and co-created a DVD. They teach courses worldwide on sex, love and relationships and believe that sacred sex can not only be integrated into modern relationships but must be if relationships have a real chance of maturation.
Kerry says, ‘Not dissimilar to the beginnings of yoga, Tantra in its early days was quite religious, esoteric and somewhat elitist, accessible to just a few. Diane and I wanted to make sacred sex more accessible. We ourselves have three children, both run businesses, we had to learn how to integrate it into our real lives. Yoga is now accessible to everyone, and in so many different facets, and Tantra is similar in that way.’
Diane agrees, ‘Modern Tantra is hard to define. In its true essence it is a perspective on life. It’s attitude is one of acceptance, inclusion and expansion. It can be inclusive of current sexual practice and expanding on that, being open to everything.’
Diane says that it has even been described as broadly as anything that doesn’t harm anyone emotionally, physically or spiritually. ‘During my teaching, I often remind young girls that their sexual energy is precious, like a garden, only invite someone who will respect and admire it, not someone who will trample on it.’
The Rileys believe sacred sex is when mind, body and spirit are intertwined. If the mind is only concerned with the physical outcome of, for instance, orgasm, then it is likely the sex will take on aspects of a performance, the destination becomes more significant than the journey. Kerry says that the mind creates the experience, therefore if you are totally present and believe the union to be a special one, that your partner is a god or goddess, then the sex will be a sacred experience, connecting you both to each other and to a higher plane.
He adds, ‘There seems to be no polarity between the sexes now. It is more than acceptable now for a woman to be sexy, but this has reached extreme levels and many have become more male in their attitude towards sex. And some males have lost what it means to be a man. But I think it’s great we have gone to this extreme, because it has now allowed us to come back again. To have the perfect union there needs to be yin and yang, both partners need to tune into their true essence but also be in touch with the opposite energy that exists in themselves too.’
Diane adds, ‘What it is to be a sexy woman has been affected by a growing commercialisation of female sexuality and sometimes influenced by the male stereotype of sexual behaviour. For most women, the quality of their sexual experience is tightly linked with the level of emotional intimacy they feel with their partner. Kerry and I like to examine how lovers can develop and enhance heartfelt connections between them. Many people are incorporating more relaxed and adventurous attitudes towards sex and their own sexuality. Sacred sex is about bringing more soulfulness to sexual intimacy.
LIKE A VIRGIN?
Aphrodite was also known as the ‘golden goddess’, not only because of her beauty, but also because she radiated love and sensuality. This ‘golden glow of aphrodite’ is a description of a love that is pure, a love not tainted by the desires
Diane Riley – Australian School of Tantra
Sex later in life
Questions:
About Men
*How important is sexuality in our lives? What role does it play?
Sexuality is an integral part of our lives, it provides dynamic energy. It touches and inspires every aspect of life and affects us emotionally, physically and spiritually. We can learn to develop and enhance our experience of sexuality to create more love in our lives.
*What is the philosophy behind Tantric sex?
Tantra emphasizes that we deserve all the love and sexual pleasure we can possibly receive; that sexual loving is a way to reach the mysteries of the heart, the soul, within each person. It also teaches that sex is a way of bonding with a lover physically, emotionally and spiritually to create feelings of ecstatic pleasure, deep intimacy and feelings of connectedness.
*What happens to a man’s sexuality as he grows older?
It’s natural for many men to have changes in their sexuality with age. Some may be concerned about sustaining potency, virility or have health or personal issues that impact on their sexuality and performance.
*How challenging can it be for men to acknowledge these changes?
Many men report they don’t want this area of their life to be over while others feel they are too old and say they can’t do anything about it. A lot of men are challenged and don’t have the education around what they can do to sustain sexual wellbeing into their older years.
*How can tantric sex help men improve their sexuality? (erection strength, premature ejaculation, difference between ejaculation and orgasm etc.)
Contemporary tantra can assist men in modern relationship in simple and profound ways. Sacred sexuality and tantra can give us a few lessons on opening up to love with a partner on all levels – body, heart and soul. The magic of love and connection can be helped along. We are never too old for openness, wonder and playfulness to ignite our senses on all levels and bring us the benefits of a potent aphrodisiac. Tantra provides skills for potency and ejaculation control.
*What is the PC muscle and how can it help men?
Specific tantric skills are so helpful to enhance erection strength and ejaculation mastery! A practice to help with control is strengthening the pubococcygeal muscle one way to locate this muscle is to try and stop the flow during urination by contracting the pelvic floor. If you can do that then you have found the muscle. It is taught in many texts that if a man contracts this muscle before ejaculation it will stop it. However if it’s not done correctly it doesn’t work. A common error that is made is trying to do it just before ejaculation; if you do it at 90% and you haven’t practiced enough it won’t work and may even cause you to ejaculate. It’s best to do it in stages at 20%, at 30%, at 50%, at 75% and then 90%. If you experience prostate difficulties consult your doctor first.
*What is your attitude to Viagra? What is it and what are the risks?
Viagra can increase performance but not necessarily desire (for him or his partner). Erection strength is only one ingredient. And the drug doesn’t necessarily help him with ejaculation control, although he may stay hard after ejaculation the passionate and intimacy are gone. For some men these drugs may pose a health risk. In addition to the potential side effects the ancient Chinese believed that as a man’s life force diminishes so does a man’s ability to get erections. This is the body’s natural protective mechanism to save him from over ejaculating and losing more energy. By chemically inducing an erection most men then force themselves to ejaculate even though they don’t feel like it. The Taoists say this puts tremendous strain on the whole body and effects health and life expectancy.
*Is there too much focus on ‘performance rather than pleasure’? Is society too orgasm obsessed? What is your opinion and advice?
Too often, lovemaking is measured against orgasmic response. That is, the quicker and more often you come, the better! Orgasm takes precedence over pleasure. As a result so many facets of sensuous experience are overlooked.
If we can learn to relax and enjoy pleasure we can feel for ourselves and bring to our partners as the main goal of lovemaking or sexual loving can encompass so much more.
*How can tantric sex help men improve the quality of their relationships – emotionally and sexually? (connection, warming the waters)
While making love a great question to ask yourself is ‘How much love am I feeling while making love? ’ Men are more conscious about getting a result … good sex and orgasm… than how much love they are feeling in their heart. Tantra education may be good for him to learn how to connect sex and heart feelings.
*Can you suggest a daily ritual that couples can do to help them feel connected? (daily devotion? Or something similar)
A great practice for couples to try is to occasionally make eye contact during love making; it’s common to shut our eyes to loose ourselves in the feeling, that’s perfectly fine; however we are often not present with our lover and feeling the intimacy. ‘The eyes are the window to the soul’ it can feel quite awkward at first for some, but if you want to be an intimate loving couple, totally present, and fully opened to each other, then try allowing yourself to be seen by you partner.
A practice any one can try before sex or separate time is to sit opposite each other, hold hands and shut your eyes for a few minutes and think about some of the things you enjoy about your partner, because we often spend a lot of energy inwardly complaining about the things that annoy us or we want to change about the other. So for five minutes, let go of that, open your eyes and take turns in telling each other ten things you appreciate about them. When one shares something the other is to simply say ‘thank you’ and not comment. Just accept and enjoy. At the end have a hug and don’t discuss it further. Do something together like a walk or simply a cup of tea. Sounds too simple… but try it and see the effect for yourself. Theory is knowing it, practice is living it!
Tips:
Please list five tips that would be helpful for older men and their sexuality/relationships.
