An article on love, sex and relationships, workshop facilitators KERRY & DIANE Riley expose old myths in regard to relationships, and share ways in which to create harmony through a unique Bonding Process they have developed.
Conscious Loving relationships:
provide the potential for the highest lovemaking. It is worth working on your relationship if you want to open up to more possibilities in the area of your lovemaking, because as your relationship grows deeper and sex get better. There is nothing better than having a fabulous sexual experience with the person whom you love the most in life. Sex can be fabulous out-of-relationship, but it can be even more fabulous with a person who deeply loves and trusts you because then you have the intimacy as well as the sexual passion.
It is important to point out that relationships in their current form in our society are not working. Statistics show that in Western societies more than fifty percent of married couples get divorced. Once we fall in love, we get married and take a vow to honour and love each other forever, in sickness and in health. Even though we may truly hope for this at a time, the evidence is that fairytale marriages are rare. Yet deep down many people still expect this to happen for them, and when it doesn’t, they get deeply hurt.
If, on the other hand, we had been conditioned to accept and honour “serial monogamy” as the norm, then we wouldn’t put such pressure on ourselves or our partner to be happily married and in love for a lifetime.
In Challenge of the Heart, by John Welwood, it is pointed out that “ no earlier society has ever tried, much less succeeded at, joining together romantic love, sex , and marriage in a single institution”. In traditional societies it was normal for marriages to be arranged by the families. Happiness was not the goal of marriage, which was more to do with family lineage and property. Feelings of love were never considered a season a reason for marriage. Marriage for love was not attempted until the 19th century. However, it was regarded as degrading for women in Victorian times to have sexual feelings, so men often had sex with prostitutes.
It’s important to understand the impact of this, to understand that you are a pioneer, one of the first of mankind throughout history to even attempt to combine love, sex and marriage. No wonder you have difficulties. It’s not simply to do with you and your partner’s inadequacies. It’s a hug challenge and there is very little education on how to combine all this for a lifetime together.
The emphasis on individualism in our society, on “doing your own thing”’ can work against marriage. Many couples who have gone off on their own personal growth paths separately from each other often find it difficult to integrate that individual growth in a supportive way in their marriage. I’m not suggesting that personal growth work should not be done. It is most important, but if you have done a lot of that, it’s time to create a balance between your individual needs and the needs of your relationships as a whole. Go to groups that support your loving relationship.
I believe people are genuinely wanting to end the battle of the sexes and enter into a joint journey of personal growth and sexual, emotional and spiritual fulfilment. We are entering what you could call the “We Generation”, as opposed to the preceding “Me Generation”, and this is happening on a global level. We need all the education we can get to make our relationship work, so I hope you will try some of the secrets I share with you.
Give your relationship high priority
Diane my wife and I have decided to maintain sexual passion and a loving bond throughout our lives together, se we put a lot of time, energy and care into our relationship. We treat it as a very special entity. It is more important than each of our lives. It takes something we work on as team-mates, continually creating more and more love in our lives. It takes something more powerful than hoping, wishing or desiring, it takes a lifetime commitment.
In the initial stages of most relationships when men and women meet and fall in love, there is lots of love and energy and intimacy, lots of lovemaking and lots of passion. Then, after a period of time, many couples lose it. The Hite Report states that85 per cent of women say that after two years of being in a relationship or marriage they love their husbands but are no longer “ In love” with them. Some couples will say to Diane and me: “we still have sex, our passion comes occasionally, but it seems to have lost its sizzle, it’s lost its juice. The intimacy and the opening that we used to feel in our hearts when we first met isn’t really there anymore…”
Couples consciously choose
There is a school of though that believes: “Well that’s natural, that’s what happens”. Diane and I believe it is natural and it is what happens – unless couples consciously choose to continue to create love and passion in their relationships. This is possible, but it requires a decision that this is something that you dearly want in your lives, something that you treasure, something that you believe will give you more from life than anything else.
Above everything else, we all want love. We can go through life and gain a lot of things materially and socially, but if we miss out on love then we will have missed the most important thing in life. The woman with whom you have chosen to live your life – your beloved – is the one you have allowed to get closest to you, and through her you have the potential to feel even more love in this lifetime. A lot of couples make a common error. They put more energy into their career, their family, their sport and their interests than into their relationship. They expect their relationship will progress satisfactorily while they get on with their so-called much more important things. They do not realise that by supporting and nurturing their primary relationship, they will be able enhance and give more energy and creativity to all these other pursuits and relationships.
In other words, make an agreement to treat your relationship a high priority and put in the energy necessary to support that decision.
Coaching can open up new and improved ways to have a conscious relationship, where love and sexual passion are sustained.