Let the tantric perspective; that the important element in sex is ‘pleasure’ – and in fact in Tantra female pleasure is most paramount, be your guide. Tantric sex is not just about penetrative sex, ejaculation or even orgasm. It is about female pleasure! Now that is a great perspective. Vaginal orgasm is wonderful, however there are so many more pleasures, just as worthy of such acclaim that vaginal orgasm receives which have been overlooked.
Tantra broadens the experience of sex. For example with a little practice of some easy skills; your whole body becomes more sensual, your little toe, your inner thigh, nape of your neck can deliver heighten sexual sensation the same way your clitoris or vulva can enjoy.
There are many tantric practices that can assist you in developing a joyous and pleasurable sex life in mature life. Tantra offers physical skills not only to give and receive heighten sexual pleasure, but also for women to reveal and nurture their sacred inner sexiness.
Our sexual energy resides in our pelvis and our hips. So regular movement of the hips is important not only to promote good vaginal health with circulation of blood and oxygen to your pelvic bowl but can assist with maintaining a good psychological connection with your vagina/ vulva (‘yoni’ in tantra meaning ‘sacred place’). Try some simple hip swirls, figure eights or hip thrusts, let and perhaps tie a scarf around your hips first and enjoy encourage your inner tantric goddess play. You may be amazed by doing a few minutes of hip movement your daily your sensual energy increases as well as your desire. If you are familiar with P.C. exercises; couple the hips exercise with vaginal contractions for a few minutes every day. Some women have reported to me that this combination has helped return moisture to their yonis and reduced the impact of hot flushes!
One of the most beneficial skills of tantra is learning to be in the moment; to be present with some gentle mindfulness breathing (while making love). This is also the soulful aspect of Tantra.
An easy tantric practice that can bring you into the moment is to focus on your breath before making love just for a few minutes. Find a steady, slow, even rhythm and focus on your breath as it travels through the nostrils down to the lings, then follow the return passage. Keep this awareness for ten cycles. If your thoughts travel somewhere else, gently bring them back to focus on the breath. If you have difficulty with this, then with each inhalation, say to yourself:
‘I am breathing in’ and with each exhalation
“I am breathing out, ten’
Then the next breath, ‘I am breathing in’, then
“I am breathing out, nine’.
Keep doing this as you count down to zero.
Do not rush the breath.
If your mind wanders, start back at ten again’.
If you do this at the beginning of any tantric sex session it will relieve some of the stresses of the day, slow down your constant stream of intrusive thoughts, dissolve anxieties, deadlines or tensions and bring you more into the moment. When you are more fully present in the moment you enhance your own sensations plus the exchange of physical and emotional energy with your partner. You can do this exercise by yourself before lovemaking or ask your partner to do the breathing practice at the same time as you.
Once you have become familiar with this practice more advanced breathing practices can be incorporated into lovemaking; ‘synchronized breathing’ and ‘alternate breathing’. Each of the different tantric breathing practices enlivens you on every level of body, heart and soul. Lovemaking becomes a journey of discovery and pleasure within the moment and potentially opening recesses and depths of heart and soul previously inaccessible and unexplored. It is these extra ordinary experiences and places within that enrich our lives and our loving selves.
Advanced tantric breath skills when coupled with erotically enhancing vaginal muscles exercises can amplify sensual pleasure sending pulsing ecstatic energy throughout the whole body.
Pleasure of the body is life enhancing, stimulating the pituitary gland and regulating hormornes to optimum levels. Sexual pleasure is a tonic for good health, wellbeing and self esteem.
Tantra and sacred sexuality have so much to offer women (and their partners) to open to more love, joy and pleasure. Fortunately my own journey to menopause has been assisted by my tantric practice with a minimum of symptoms.
Diane Riley, author of ‘Sexy and Sacred, sexual secrets for women’ and with partner Kerry Riley, is co-author of the internationally best-selling book ‘Sexual secrets for men, what every woman would want her man to know’ and co- creator of the acclaimed DVD ‘The Secrets of Sacred sex, a guide to intimacy, sex and loving’. She teaches courses worldwide on sex, love and relationships. Since 1987, as founder of the Australian School of Tantra, Diane trains tantra teachers and coaches and conduct regular seminars throughout Australia. The school facilitates women’s seminars and training sessions. Diane also offers individual couples sessions in Byron Bay and Sydney.
Australian School of Tantra director and author of Sexy and Sacred: Sexual Secrets for Women, Diane Riley said that stress, sickness, having small children, pregnancy, menopause, tiredness and emotional upsets could put a couple’s libido out of synch.
“One partner can feel pressured for sex and the other can feel neglected or abandoned” she said. Ms Riley said she taught a practice to remedy poor libido called daily devotion, which was based on an ancient Taoist exercise and involved a couple taking up to five minutes each day to connect in a gently loving way. First thing in the morning or last thing at night…. they remain in a loving embrace for up to five minutes”.
A way to remedy feeling unappreciated in your relationship was by finding things you liked about your life, your partner and your situation, said Australian School of Tantra director Diane Riley.
“Couples can improve their relationship by affirming their partners, instead of taking them for granted” she said. ” Often at the beginning of relationships we feel great about our partners and naturally say affirmative things but, as the relationship matures we oftne start inwardly demanding more and more from them”.
Tantric Secrets for a Healthy Relationship
by Kerry and Diane Riley, directors of ASOT.
Copyright Spectra 2000 P/L 2005
Tantra article: on love, sex and relationships, workshop facilitators KERRY & DIANE Riley expose old myths in regard to relationships, and share ways in which to create harmony through a unique Bonding Process they have developed, it is an adjunct to Tantric relationship very useful for any couple endeavouring to become aware of unsupportive patterning and to return to love.
Close Loving relationships provide the potential for the highest lovemaking. Tantra sexuality and tantric conscious relationship requires vigilance. It is worth working on your relationship if you want to open up to more possibilities in the area of your lovemaking, because as your relationship grows deeper and sex get better. There is nothing better than having a fabulous sexual experience with the person whom you love the most in life. Sex can be fabulous out-of-relationship, but it can be even more fabulous with a person who deeply loves and trusts you because then you have the intimacy as well as the sexual passion.
It is important to point out that relationships in their current form in our society are not working. Statistics show that in Western societies more than fifty percent of married couples get divorced. Once we fall in love, we get married and take a vow to honour and love each other forever, in sickness and in health. Even though we may truly hope for this at a time, the evidence is that fairytale marriages are rare. Yet deep down many people still expect this to happen for them, and when it doesn’t, they get deeply hurt.
If, on the other hand, we had been conditioned to accept and honour “serial monogamy” as the norm, then we wouldn’t put such pressure on ourselves or our partner to be happily married and in love for a lifetime.
In Challenge of the Heart, by John Welwood, it is pointed out that “ no earlier society has ever tried, much less succeeded at, joining together romantic love, sex , and marriage in a single institution”. In traditional societies it was normal for marriages to be arranged by the families. Happiness was not the goal of marriage, which was more to do with family lineage and property. Feelings of love were never considered a season a reason for marriage. Marriage for love was not attempted until the 19th century. However, it was regarded as degrading for women in Victorian times to have sexual feelings, so men often had sex with prostitutes.
It’s important to understand the impact of this, to understand that you are a pioneer, one of the first of mankind throughout history to even attempt to combine love, sex and marriage. No wonder you have difficulties. It’s not simply to do with you and your partner’s inadequacies. It’s a hug challenge and there is very little education on how to combine all this for a lifetime together.
The emphasis on individualism in our society, on “doing your own thing”’ can work against marriage. Many couples who have gone off on their own personal growth paths separately from each other often find it difficult to integrate that individual growth in a supportive way in their marriage. I’m not suggesting that personal growth work should not be done. It is most important, but if you have done a lot of that, it’s time to create a balance between your individual needs and the needs of your relationships as a whole. Go to groups that support your loving relationship.
I believe people are genuinely wanting to end the battle of the sexes and enter into a joint journey of personal growth and sexual, emotional and spiritual fulfilment. We are entering what you could call the “We Generation”, as opposed to the preceding “Me Generation”, and this is happening on a global level. We need all the education we can get to make our relationship work, so I hope you will try some of the secrets I share with you.
Give your relationship high priority
Diane my wife and I have decided to maintain sexual passion and a loving bond throughout our lives together, se we put a lot of time, energy and care into our relationship. We treat it as a very special entity. It is more important than each of our lives. It takes something we work on as team-mates, continually creating more and more love in our lives. It takes something more powerful than hoping, wishing or desiring, it takes a lifetime commitment.
In the initial stages of most relationships when men and women meet and fall in love, there is lots of love and energy and intimacy, lots of lovemaking and lots of passion. Then, after a period of time, many couples lose it. The Hite Report states that85 per cent of women say that after two years of being in a relationship or marriage they love their husbands but are no longer “ In love” with them. Some couples will say to Diane and me: “we still have sex, our passion comes occasionally, but it seems to have lost its sizzle, it’s lost its juice. The intimacy and the opening that we used to feel in our hearts when we first met isn’t really there anymore…”
There is a school of though that believes: “Well that’s natural, that’s what happens”. Diane and I believe it is natural and it is what happens – unless couples consciously choose to continue to create love and passion in their relationships. This is possible, but it requires a decision that this is something that you dearly want in your lives, something that you treasure, something that you believe will give you more from life than anything else.
Above everything else, we all want love. We can go through life and gain a lot of things materially and socially, but if we miss out on love then we will have missed the most important thing in life. The woman with whom you have chosen to live your life – your beloved – is the one you have allowed to get closest to you, and through her you have the potential to feel even more love in this lifetime. A lot of couples make a common error. They put more energy into their career, their family, their sport and their interests than into their relationship. They expect their relationship will progress satisfactorily while they get on with their so-called much more important things. They do not realise that by supporting and nurturing their primary relationship, they will be able enhance and give more energy and creativity to all these other pursuits and relationships.
In other words, make an agreement to treat your relationship a high priority and put in the energy necessary to support that decision.
Creating harmony when you don’t see eye to eye
The truth is that no matter how much we want our relationship to run smoothly, disharmony still occurs. We get out of sync with our partner. We have disagreements, we argue and sometimes we get angry and hurt and say things to our partner that we wouldn’t say to our worst enemy.
What can we do about disharmony? First we need to have the right attitude. If we have the attitude that conflict should not occur, then we are always going to be under stress. Conflict is a part of growth and does occur in a healthy relationship. Very often the closer we get to our beloved, the more conflicts arise, se we need to develop the attitude, as we confront uncomfortable situations together, that although it can be painful, it is an opportunity to grow closer together.
Many people have the attitude that a good relationship must always be smooth and controlled, so they are unhappy and disappointed with their marriage when it doesn’t happen like that. They spend a lot of energy covering up the disharmony from others and they cover it up from each other until it gets out of control, and then the whole relationship explodes. So the first thing to have in your relationship is the understanding that disharmony is part of a healthy relationship, that it’s natural. Loving couples strive for the joy of becoming closer and closer together.
They want union, but along with union comes dependence which can make a man feel that he is allowing a woman to hold power over him. Men don’t want to have to depend on women; to some men this is dependence threatens their sense of masculinity and they resent it. Many women also resent feeling dependent on men and this creates an ongoing struggle for power and independence.
That is why lovers will always go on fighting. The fight is simply a way to show each other they are still independent.
It is important not to blame each other because this is something that happens between male and female energies. Don’t take it personally and don’t hurt the other for doing what is part of the man-woman relationship game.
If we are to move forward in our relationship, we must learn to let go and not carry bad energy around with us for hours or sometimes days. Some of us hang onto our disagreements for weeks. We must learn to let them go, but how do we do this?
Shutting off and walking out of the room is basically heading for a hug fight. You must discuss the issue. If at some point you do head out of the room, make sure you come back and be open to talk. However, discussing it while you are in a high state of resentment can be difficult and could perhaps lead to more disharmonies.
What should you do in these situations? The first step is to let go of having to be right and having to prove her wrong, and go into the bonding process.
The Bonding Process
Diane and I use a practice in our marriage called the Bonding Process. Many teachers of Tantra and tantric sex sexual loving teach similar exercises. It includes stopping the talking when you realise it’s not going anywhere and agreeing to physically connect your bodies.
It is important that you and your partner have agreed to do this in times of conflict. This process will help to keep sexual passion and loving bond alive in your relationship. You should make a prior agreement to partake in the process always. So when one asks the other, even though you may not want to, you will agree to say “yes”. It is not based on whether you want to, it is based on a decision you have made in your relationship which you have both agreed to honour no matter what – “to keep sexual passion and loving bond between you alive.”
Never refuse to honour this agreement because if you do you threaten the issue of trust in your relationship. Your partner has trusted you enough to drop the argument and ask for harmony. This I affirming that your relationship is more important than ego, more important than being right in this particular issue.
Suppose it is you who lets go first. You could say. “This is not getting us anywhere. I want to be in harmony with you. I want to do the Bonding Process. We can discuss this later when we are not so upset. Let’s put our bodies together.” The steps in the Bonding Process are as follows:
Take up the nurturing position. You (the requesting partner in this case) lie on your back while your partner lies besides you and rests her head on your chest. Place your right arm around her in a nurturing manner. She places her right hand on your heart chakra and you put your left hand on top of hers. Bend your right knee and place it between her legs, touching her sexual centre. Her right leg is bent over yours so her knee touches your genital area.
This connects your heart centre. Where you can open to give and receive love again, with your sexual centre, which, for a man, tends to open you more to wanting intimacy again. For her, being held in the nurturing position tends to open her heart centre again and by touching her sexual centre with your leg, reverses her normal reactive behaviour to close down sex to you in time of conflict.
Use the breath to let go of any tension. If you are very upset you will find that you will be tensing your body and holding your breath or you will feel your partner doing this. Breathe in with a long, deep breath through the nose and then sigh as you breathe out through the mouth –ahh! Repeat this at least 10 times, co-ordinating your breaths if you can; otherwise make sure you are both doing the deep breathing. Never allow just one of you to be doing it; both must participate.
As you breathe out let go of any anger, resentments or the need to be right. Release all tension in the body, especially in the jaw, neck and shoulders. As you continue with the breathing, allow your mind to quieten, allow the inner chatter about the argument to be dismissed. Take your awareness instead to the contact points between your physical bodies, especially your heart being open – feeling love, compassion, caring and forgiveness. Feel the warmth of your partner’s hand on your heart centre. Now focus on nurturing your partner like a child who has been hurt. Focus on that part of her that you really love beyond the part that has upset you.
Partner B ( your lover in this case), focus on being nurtured and cared for and then shifts her attention to her hand on your heart, healing it and opening you more to love again. If it feels appropriate she can gently move her hand from your heart centre to your sexual centre, gently cupping this area for a few minutes, while you keep your hand on your heart centre. This allows harmony between the emotions and physical sexuality to develop once more. You now exchange roles with your partner, gently repositioning before beginning. You need to spend al least five minutes in each role for it to be effective.
Both turn and face each other and hold each other naturally without your ands holding the heart or sexual chakras. Continue to breathe and let go, but do not say anything. Gaze gently into each other’s eyes with love and compassion while tuning into your own “higher self”, where having to be right or having to win the argument is not important. What is important is to keep eye contact and be soft, vulnerable and see the part of your beloved that wants to be loved and wants to love. Act as healers for each other, showing compassion, care and concern for your relationship.
Keep breathing gently and after a minute or so and when appropriate, one says “I’m sorry (we were fighting). I love you”. The other listens, breaths in and internally accepts this. Then she says “I’m sorry too and I love you.” Finish with a hug or a kiss.
It is most important not to say anything like” I forgive you, but next time..” This would blow the whole process. You may as well not have done it in the first place. Do not talk about the issue, just hug and kiss and suggest a cup of tea or a walk. Maybe several hours later or the next day you can return and deal with the issue. Dealing with it immediately after the Bonding Process is dangerous because you are very open and sensitive when you have trusted enough to say “sorry”.
After you have completed this process, you may not even need to discuss the issue again because you will find that the re-established harmony and balance may well provide a new viewpoint or attitude. If you do discuss it, you may come up with other solutions to the problem which you may not have reached while in a reactive mode.
In reality, neither of you are perfect. You both contributed to the disharmony in some way. By looking within and forgiving and by balancing the energies between you, very often circumstances begin to change.
The Power of Surrender
What you are doing in these three steps is surrendering your ego and honouring your true feelings to keep the sexual passion and loving bond between you alive. Surrender is not compromise. Surrender is letting go totally and giving over to a truth higher than yourself. In this case, the bonding of your relationship becomes the highest truth, not you winning the argument or allowing your beloved wants and needs to be more important than your own. It is important to honour your truth, your needs and wants. Surrendering is a powerful thing to do. Once the energy is balanced it is more likely that a solution will be found to whatever caused the disharmony in the first place.
Tantra and Women Tantra Article Aug 09
What were you told about where babies came from, about ‘the birds and the bees’ as it was coyly termed? Perhaps your answer is ‘nothing’, ‘ from a book’, ‘from a DVD of cartoon characters talking about sex’, ‘just about periods’ or ‘I was only told about the mechanics of sex’ or ‘it’s for when couples love each other or want to have babies’.
Perhaps you did get pregnant, and you dealt with it the best way you could — with or without support. Most of what girls and young women are told about sex is little more than reproductive and health information, and messages like ‘keep yourself safe’, along with the advice that good girls should save themselves for the right boy which means, for some, abstinence, and for others, to wait until they fall in love to have sex.
In bygone eras, many women didn’t even know they could have orgasms — and most men had no idea how to pleasure a woman. Many thought (and many still do) only men could reach a climax, and then only through ejaculation. The expectation for many was that women simply had to ‘lie back and think of England’, as the old saying went.
Any information our mothers and their mothers before them told us about the act of sex for pleasure or, indeed, about the pleasures of sex and the best ways of achieving them, was very limited. It’s hard to imagine many women sitting down after dinner and suggesting a chat with their daughters about the magic you can create with vagina muscles during sex!
First sexual encounters
As a young teenage girl, I knew like many of my generation, technically, how the penis would become erect and enter the vagina. I knew testicles produced sperm to fertilise eggs. But when I asked questions of my parents about what happens before and during sex, all I was told was that ‘it will all come naturally’.
I thought my first true love would know exactly what to do. Well, he knew a little. He was 19 and we would get very hot and excited as hormones surged through our young bodies, creating intense desire. Eventually after years of me resisting, we did have intercourse and it was sometimes pleasurable. But it was never the fireworks, never the awesome experience that I had imagined in my dreams — dreams fuelled by love songs and movies. Later episodes with other boyfriends didn’t improve. In fact, like many women of my generation (and even many of the Generation X and Y young women of today), I enjoyed kissing and ‘making out’ much more than actual intercourse.
I’ve talked with many women about what they expected from their first sexual experiences. And though the responses have varied, a strong theme has emerged. Many, like me, had expected some sort of ‘magic’ or a wondrous experience.
More often than not, however, it wasn’t like this. Many women experienced awkwardness and guilt surrounding their first sexual experience. For others, it was accompanied by unwelcome abuse, rape or molestation, frequently leaving permanent emotional or physical scarring. Many told me that even with a partner they loved, intercourse hurt the first time and they were glad when it was over. Even now in our ‘enlightened age’ much of the early education regarding sexual pleasure is very limited. So it is no wonder that many women’s first experiences might not have been so pleasurable.
I’ve talked to hundreds of women about their primary source of sex education. Much of it came from peer groups, i.e. their friends. These days, younger women are much more sophisticated in their views on sex and much more knowledgeable about their bodies than I was. Some things, however, haven’t changed much in 28 years. Only a few years ago, when still in early adolescence, my daughter brought home this rather offensive and unenlightened little ditty which she heard in the school playground:
Love is a gamble
Kissing is a game
Boys do all the fucking
Girls get all the blame
One night of pleasure
Nine months of pain
Three days in the hospital
Baby needs a name
Daddy is a bastard
Mummy is a whore
Junior wouldn’t be here
If the rubber hadn’t tore.
This poem neatly sums up the tone of a lot of the sexual information we receive from peer groups. The message? Despite a plethora of information about the subject, there is little beauty surrounding sex or any link between sex and spirituality. Rarely, even in today’s world, is there any mention of the sacredness of a woman’s sexuality or of a fuller appreciation of sexual desire and sensual pleasure, not just in a physical way, but as life enhancing, vitalising and sustaining energy.
MORE NEXT MONTH
Extract from Sexy and Sacred by diane riley Copyright 2009 Diane Riley cannot be reproduced without written permission of Diane Riley
A lot of women enjoy sex and yet say to me there is something missing, there must be
something more. They have already done all the positions, oral and anal! They love sex and
their partner but something is missing. Often what is missing is that special intimacy that can
help transform sex into lovemaking. Discovering what enhances your sexuality intimacy is a
part of on going sexual journey. Sexual intimacies for women are often different than they are
Don’t get stuck into the same sexual routine of always doing things the way he wants, perhaps
a quickie or giving him a hot blow job, which are great, widen your repertoire and experiment
with something different and I don’t mean just the hard core scenarios of porn movies (after all
these are just male sex fantasy that doesn’t include any type of heart feeling or personal
intimacy). Modern culture has portrayed ‘great sex’ as, he excites you with kiss, touch, oral sex
and intercourse and that can be great, however a lot of women feel a lot of pressure to come
quickly, so that he can feel good about his skill, or to satisfy him without themselves feeling the
potential of their own sexual pleasure and truly loved. There is a difference between ‘sex’ and
making love. Sex is a basic drive anyone can have sex, but lovemaking includes both the
genitals and the heart, when both are passionate and intimate and flowing with our partners.
Think of yourself as the love goddess able to unlock the mysteries of sexuality to make and
enjoy the dynamic connection between your lovely bits, his mighty bits and lovers hearts.
What do you really want? Most women to create more intimacy as lovers and that often require
stepping outside your comfort zones and doing some quite different. Sometimes, during
heightened sexual experience, we move into a blissful state , a timeless space where we feel
totally connected to our partner, ourselves, and everything, the sky, the sun, the ocean all ofnature! Sounds trippy? Well we all know that sex can be a natural high. So why wait? Ecstatic
sex! It’s free, it’s safe but be ware it can be addictive!
Well how do we get there?
Here are three tips from the ancient traditions of sacred sexuality that can take
lovemaking to new levels.
1. Setting up a love space
Every Goddess of love requires a suitable place to practice her arts. Make your bedroom an
expression of your sensuality. You can start with a vase of flowers, a feather, a shell, and an
antique perfume bottle on a small bedside table, anything that symbolizes the feminine.
Perhaps put new curtains and new pillows in the room and place books of love or erotic poetry
next to your bed. It can be a place that when you step into it, you feel transformed. By doing
this, you are creating a world of your own choosing, an expression of your innermost self,
where you feel relaxed and beautiful. Let that aspect of Aphrodite come forth, for she is the
Goddess of love and Beauty, creating beautiful surroundings that soothe the spirit and please
the senses, a place where your lovemaking is an expression of your divine self.
Some women set up a special place in their bedroom, may be on a little table or the side of
their dresser , using beautiful materials, vases, shells, special photos or little brass goddess ,
something that represents to them the beauty of the goddess of love.
Create an intimate atmosphere by burning essential oils such as rose to open ‘the heart’ and
use massage oils. a special bell, charm, candles or incense. Introduce this idea to your partner.
It’s certainly fun to shop for some special things together. It allows the softer side to develop in
both of you.
When you’re in your own goddess space, you can feel safe to let your love Goddess free.2. Eyes open
Lie naked beside your partner. Look gently into their eyes. This is called eye gazing. For
some, it is a process that may take a little while to get used to as it can be uncomfortable at first
to look and to be seen; you or your partner may feel shy or embarrassed. If you need to shut
your eyes from time to time to rest them, do so for a moment, and then open them again to look
gently at your partner.
As you look into your partner’s eyes, be aware that you are not doing it with an intrusive or
controlling attitude, but that your gaze is soft, flexible and gentle. As you look past your lover’s
personality, look past the social mask they have needed to develop in daily life, and go into a
deeper and softer part of him. The eyes are indeed windows to the soul.
3. Lovemaking breathing practices
Special breathing practices are an integral part of a Goddess of love secrets. Breathing is as
natural as being born. It is an automatic function of our bodies and most people don’t give it
much thought unless they’re out of breath or gasping for breath. Women can benefit by
learning some sacred sexuality breathing techniques.
Benefits of breathing in sync with your partner:
? Helps to induce a relaxed state of being before making love. Often we carry a lot of
unperceived stress, which collects throughout the day and reduces our capacity to be
connected to our partners and feel ready for love.
? Maintains focus in the moment. Instead of the mind racing off to ‘how am I doing?’ ‘Or, is he
going to come too soon?’ or ‘I can hear the telephone, I wonder who it is?’ – focusing on the
breath keeps you in present time, in the moment. When you are totally in the moment, not
worrying about anything else, the amount of sensation you feel, increases. If you are
focused in the moment, then each touch, each caress, becomes even more powerful. It’s
as if you are seeing, touching, feeling, smelling, and tasting for the first time, over and over.? Connects you with your partner. When couples are consciously breathing in time with each
other, this helps to harmonize and weave together their energies. Thus, they become two
making love as one, instead of him making love to her and her making love to him,
independently of each other, off in their own worlds.
? Couples feel emotionally closer. Trust grows deeper and sexuality becomes fuller.
Inhibitions are forgotten, fears are released and they fall deeper in love.
Elongates orgasmic sensations. Often, in lovemaking, the breath will race away as you
approach climax – it grows increasingly rapid, which, in fact, accelerates climax. In sacred
lovemaking, we sometimes want to extend those spaces of heightened sexual energy, we don’t
want them to finish too soon, rather, and we want to be bathed for just that much longer in love.
Using the breath to spread the
Copyright Diane Riley 2005
? energy allows this to happen. It is said that your orgasm will last as long as your exhalation.
So start practicing.
4. Stop for a moment
In the middle of lovemaking ask him to stop for a moment, to slow down.
Often men are so focused on doing a good job that they forget it’s supposed to be about
pleasure! Sometimes while still being in intercourse, ask him to stop and hold you for a
moment or two, without penis action, but still inside. This can be a fantastic experience, hearts
melting into each other, when bodies are still ripples of deep pleasure can pulse through your
body, from head to toe. So instead of him thrusting away and being in his thoughts and you
bonking (?) and being with your thoughts – take time to really be totally present for each other
in body and heart can trigger waves of whole body bliss!If this is too MUCH, in that it’s too trippy, let me know and I can give you something else like a
blindfold touching exercise.
Or exploring his / her genitals.
Woman on top position for women to take control
5. Importance of sound
Our body not only vibrates with the pleasure of touch but also with the pleasure of sound. The
sound of favorite music, or the wind, our lovers’ whisperings and our own sounds of love can
have a strong effect on our body, heart, and the mystics might say, on the spirit.
Copyright Diane Riley 2005
Because lovemaking is a private activity, some women do not make noise other than the
occasional “OOH’s” and “A’s”. This may be due to conditioning, that making noise is vulgar,
lurid, embarrassing. A key for many women to enhancing sexual pleasure and being able to let
go a lot more is to break through these old limiting belief patterns.
You may have noticed how a child getting really upset may hold his jaw, clench his teeth and
hold his breath. It’s only when he screams out that he lets go of the tension. The scream
comes with the let go.
Similarly as you build energy during sex, the sound can provide a trigger for the desired let go.
Start to practise making much more noise during intercourse – even if it’s not happening
naturally, allow more sounds to surface. The only reason it’s not happening naturally is
because, as children, we’ve been told we were good when we were quiet and well-behaved.
Well stop behaving! And go wild! You may be surprised – grunts, moans, guttural animal
sounds; spirals of laughter are not uncommon.As you feel orgasm arriving, make a sound that reaches down into your pelvis and allow the
swell of anticipation and sensation to rush forth and envelop your body. The strength and depth
of sound can affect your orgasm dramatically. to increase the length and power of your orgasm,
start to inhale (as slowly as possible) about halfway into the orgasmic peak. The built up feeling
of climax will continue for as long as you can sustain the inhalation. When you’ve reached the
limit of inhalation, begin to release the breath with as much sound as possible. Really sing out.
The volume of your sound influences the volume and depth of your orgasm. It’s a fun technique
to try but you may have to have a pillow handy if you don’t want the neighbors to hear you. (Or
alternatively as you begin to orgasm, use your voice, the volume of sound influences the depth
of your orgasm. Your climax will continue for as long as you can yell)!
Copyright Diane Riley 2005
Holds ‘Goddess Parties/ Hens Nights’
Australian School of Tantra. 9974 4724
Copyright Diane Riley 2005
Many women sense that their sexuality is much more expansive and powerful than they or their partners may be prepared to acknowledge or explore. Perhaps we are hesitant to do so because we are not quite sure where this will take us. Yet some of us have had a glimpse of a sacred sexual experience and know there is more. Increasingly women and men want to explore the sacred aspects of sex and relationship to discover ways that sexual loving can open the doors of enlightment for their beloved and themselves.
In some ancient cultures when a woman was in a high state where sexuality was combined with spirituality, it was said she was in the presence of the goddess of love and sexuality and by embodying some aspects of this goddess we are able to enjoy our lovemaking a whole lot more.
Today the study of sacred sexuality is a wonderful context to explore relationship and conscious lovemaking, where both men and women, single and in partnership can expand conscious awareness on a personal and spiritual level ; body , heart and soul.
Contemporary tantra offers many practical skills and frames of reference to assist modern lovers on the path of love, relationship and sexuality.
Tantra is a spiritual science from ancient India and in its basic essence, very similar to Taoism from China. Both involve balancing the male and female energies to create harmony and have an ultimate goal of unity or spiritual ecstasy, known as enlightenment. Tantra encourages one to explore every aspect of life. So obviously the study of sexuality was included, not only included but in fact revered.
Making love was seen as divine, as a gift to God. So there was no repression or guilt attached to sex. It taught that when a man approaches his beloved he should have a sacred feeling as if he were going into a temple. How would that be for you if your partner was aware of that aspect of tantra?
For my partner Kerry and me, tantra is a journey and a spiritual path which it can be for you individually or with a partner to experience your highest potentials; physically, emotionally and spiritually. In tantric loving you develop your ability to accept and feel more love and to express and give more love on every level. It gives you a frame work to explore sexuality and relationship in a sacred way.
If you’re single by developing tantric practices and skills you may find your magnetic attractiveness is increased and as a result may draw to yourself a suitable partner and when you do, you’ll have extra skills to develop and share which will help maintain a nurturing and passionate partnership. If already in relationship you and your partner will be opened up to new heights of love and it will help keep love and passion alive even in a long term relationship.
Tantric lovemaking and relationship can add to the ways you experience love in 3 major areas:
Firstly: It teaches you ways to open to more love so that your heart truly opens.
Secondly: It gives you ways to reach heightened states of ecstasy and pleasure beyond the realms of normal sex.
Thirdly: it teaches Sacred Sex- ways to transform your lovemaking into a sacred experience which will touch you on every level of your being, body, heart and soul.
Tantra requires a committed willingness to honestly examine your own limitations and resistances in the areas of heart felt emotion, sexuality and love that inhibit you from developing your potentials. We all have some blockages or other which restrict the amount of love and pleasure that we can feel and enjoy and restrict also the amount of love we extend to others including our partners.
The kundalini energy, the sexual life force that sits in the base of the spine rises and provides us with energy and inspiration we need for this transformation, to help unlock these blockages and to give us the insights and the awareness to make positive changes on physical and emotional levels, which enables us to open up more and more to our full creative potentials. Tantra teaches us the ways to awaken and transform our kundalini energy into creativity and healing.
How much love do you feel in your life right now?
Sadly, all too often we hold back and protect our love because we are afraid that if we surrender to it, we will get hurt. Perhaps, some time in the past we may have opened our heart and been hurt. Someone leaves us, someone lets us down, someone cheats on us. So we protect ourselves by building up layers of defense around our heart. Yet we all know that it is only love that makes us feel whole. We all have a great need for love and it’s only when we fully open up to it that we will feel complete. We need to trust again to ‘let go’. If we get hurt again, then in my mind at least, this is preferable to only living life in a state of ‘half loving’. Through contemporary tantra we can learn ways to heal and strengthen the heart so we can safely let down some of our barriers.
Take time to listen to your heart.
For this exercise I suggest you put on some heart opening music like Vivaldi or Deva Premal. Sit quietly and put your hands over your heart, paying attention to any physical sensation you may feel – tightness, heaviness, lightness, whatever. Now, pay attention to any feelings that may arise such as joy, laughter, sadness. Give yourself a few minutes to experience whatever it is you can feel. If you are doing this with a partner, then perhaps hold each other in a warm embrace. Don’t talk; rather concentrate on your feelings of love. If you are doing this exercise alone, then just put your hands on your heart chakra, in the centre of your chest – right hand over left.
The heart is a great teacher if we learn to listen to it. By being aware of what it is, we experience our emotions and take time to savor the ‘good’ things. We are also able to give attention to uncomfortable feelings like hurt, anger, guilt, frustration, sadness and disappointment. Be conscious of your breathing and use the out breath to release and let go of the tension associated with these feeling. If we can do this, then we are in a better position to heal or to take responsibility for these feelings rather than them remaining a shadow of energy that builds to eruption point creating continual disharmony and drama in our lives.
What was your education about sex?
Our attitudes to sex have been greatly influenced by our up- brining in a society which gave many of us mental associations with sex of fear, guilt, secrecy and shame. Although you may feel this doesn’t impact on you now they often are imbedded in our subconscious and affect our ability to truly feel all the bliss and ecstasy that can occur during lovemaking.
Who taught you about sex? Was it someone skilled in the arts of tantra, versed in two thousand years of lovemaking secrets? And your first sexual experience, was that a right of passage a wonderful journey into the secrets of lovemaking? Did you see it as an art form, a gift of God? Not likely I bet.
Taoist sexuality writings say, the woman is like water and the man is like fire. What normally happens is the water puts out the fire too quickly. Conscious men, need to be able to make love as long as necessary to satisfy their women and at the same time reach higher orgasmic states themselves.
For men, ejaculation mastery is an essential skill to master so that during lovemaking they can learn to flow with that energy while at the same time their beloved is feeling that energy and is being warmed up to higher orgasmic states. To find out more click here
There are two exercises, two techniques that will help with ejaculation control. One is P.C. Muscle exercises and the other is the breath.
These exercises are also beneficial for women to extend pleasure for herself and to give more pleasure to her partner. The P.C. muscle is the major muscle of contraction in both sexes for orgasm, so strengthening it increases sensations of pleasure.
The P.C. muscle extends from the base of the spine where it is connected to the coccyx, to the front of the body where it is connected to the pubic bone. A good way to locate the P.C. or love muscle for yourself is that next time you are urinating try to stop the flow of urination in mid stream.
Another secret is working with your breath. What most men do as excitement builds up is hold their breath as they get close to climax. If men are to reverse the flow of sexual energy the best way is to breathe slowly, deeply and rhythmically.
For women to enhance your own ecstasy you can us the P.C. Muscle and breath exercise also. You can use this at peaks of energy to trigger orgasm or to spread the orgasmic energy throughout the body.
Tantra Lovemaking as a spiritual practice.
Many people know about meditation and are curious how to incorporate it as a tantric practice. White Tantra is when you do your meditation alone; Red Tantra is when you combine your practice with a partner. Both are profound and powerful.
Setting the physical environment is important. Taking a little time to clean and beautify your room or space, the use of candles, flowers, essence all help to make the transition from the ordinary to the extraordinary. While in sexual embrace , the use of meditative skills such as breath awareness, being totally in the moment, muscle awareness, being heart connected, giving and receiving pleasure can change lovemaking into a sacred experience opening the doors of expanded awareness and insight. When this is experienced it is said the god and goddess of love have danced on the ceiling and leave their gifts of bliss to resonant with you in your daily life.
Diane Riley, author ‘Sexual Secrets of Men’, co- creator “The Secrets of Sacred Sex’ video and director with her partner Kerry Riley of The Australian School of Tantra. They run weekend Tantra workshops for singles and couples throughout Australia.
Copyright 2005. Spectra 2000 P/L
By Diane Riley